4th and final beta

Beta 30.5.  (Like the .5 makes any difference at all).

My very short lived pregnancy is finally coming to an end.  I was given the facts and the figures, and yet I hung on.  And now it’s over.  The numbers don’t lie, unfortunately.  And staring hard at the lab results doesn’t change them, I discovered.  Wondering if they mixed your test up with someone elses doesn’t, either.  The HCG is dropping and my sweet little embryo (fetus?) really is giving up the fight now.  I feel strangely alone.

Things I am Grateful for:

1. I can actually conceive, albeit with some a lot of assistance.

2. I never got to scan stage. No D&C for me.

3.  We will try again. Soon.

4.  My friends and family (near and far), fellow bloggers: those I know, and those whose names have appeared in my comments for the first time. 

5.  Prayer.  It got me through this very trying time.

Things I am sad about:

1.  Having to do another IVF.

2.  Not ever having seen my “baby”. Not even a heartbeat.

3.  Knowing that there was nothing I could do to save him/her.

4.  Waiting two whole months until we start again.

5.  Having to phone the Hoff and give him the bad news, as well as the rest of my family, who have all been holding their breaths right alongside me.

Today it is raining in my heart.  But with rain comes renewal, and clearer, more intense blue skies.  I am really looking forward to that. Really.

Updated:

My “baby” was not yet a fetus, I found this wonderful description on www.babycenter.com of more or less where I am:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks


Click to enlarge

How your baby’s growing:

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby’s organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she’ll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.

Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby’s red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.

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Today…

… I started to bleed.  Not a lot, but much more than before.  My good friend Baby Blues(who has been very quiet lately) left a comment saying “It’s not over ’til you need a pad.”  Well, that was today.  (Sorry for too much information, but that’s the way it is)

I was okay.  I packed my laptop, got into my car and started driving home.  I got about halfway when it hit me like a ton of bricks, and crushed me in the same way.

Now I am sitting in bed typing this, after sleeping for 3 hours this afternoon.  My eyes hurt from all the crying and I have a headache.  The pain in my abdomen is a constant reminder of what is happening inside of me.  My little embryo is letting go.  Maybe he or she was sick.  Maybe just weak and unable to continue.  Whatever the reason, I will not be holding him or her in my arms next year July, as I had daydreamed about so many times during this cycle.  I am so thankful though, because this little one has given me hope that I did not have before this IVF.  You see, I was convinced that I was faulty and that I would never have children.  The few days of mild nausea, cramping and strange and wonderful sensations that I have had, and my low but positive beta, have convinced me otherwise.  Thank you little embryo(s), your short stay was not in vain, I promise. 

Welcome to my new home!

So here I am in WP, and well done if you have followed me here. 

 This is the post I put into the comments of my last Blogger post for those of you who did not read it:

It is 13dp3dt, I have been having AF symptoms, and a spot here and there. I was really struggling to get through the day by Wednesday this week, so I bought two POAS’s, and lo and behold, I did both of them. Needless to say they were both as white as the newly fallen snow. I am okay somehow. (Maybe it was the peace of heart I prayed for.) AF has yet to break out into song, so until she does, I am holding it together. If she has not made an entrance by Monday, I will proceed with Beta. I am still hoping against the odds. Is that naive?

Thanks for everyone that has been commenting to my blank posts… that is true dedication. If this does not post, and you are still managing to read it, then I am guessing you went straight to the comments again! Just knowing you are there makes all the difference.

I hope that my stay at WP is a long and happy one.  So far so good 🙂

Good News & more Good News

The good news is that I am feeling sooooooo much better! It was definitely a hormonal outburst, and I am back to human again. I feel that I can do this, and anything that follows on from it. Thanks so much for all the encouragement – it is very much needed and appreciated.

The Hoff has been a great source of strength, which has been a real God-send. He has shown concern and empathy, and I love him all the more. I have heard that this can really put a strain on a marriage, and I believe that, but this has drawn us closer, and I am very grateful (once again).

The other good news is that there are 8-9 follies, measuring an average of 10 – 11mm. (Is that good?) I am not sure, but they are there, and that makes me happy.

Another scan on Saturday, and then who knows? Only time will tell. For now, I am peaceful and content again. The storm that swept through the Secret Garden has passed, and there is blue sky once again.

Breathe out.

Yoohoo, AF.. Where are you?

Wow, this really is ironic. First, I go onto the pill (HAHAHAHA) and then I really look forward to my period starting. Only thing is… when you don’t want it, it rears it’s ugly head, and when you do want it (like, never) it doesn’t show! It is nowhere to be found!

I guess I’ll do what I’ve been doing all along… hurry up and wait.

On a slightly different topic, I was watching Oprah recently (surprise) and it was all about “The Secret”. About focusing on the positive in a situation instead of on the negative. I gave this a lot of thought, and decided to do just that. So although I still need to update the artwork, my blog title is no longer “The Secret Garden – Infertility”, but “The Secret Garden, my journey into Motherhood”. You like? I like.

The Lucrin is coming along, no real problems so far. I am still having a lot of internal dialogue, but trying not to lose grip on reality. Once you venture down that road, there’s no coming back…

I just really wish my OlAunty would pitch up. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

Please go and give Chanti some support. Chanti is a fellow South African, she just got 5 eggs retrieved., and is hoping for some nice healthy embies to transfer in the next few days.

The Stash

The headache is gone, and today was a good day. Felt a bit woozy, but other than that, pretty great. I only have one bruise on my tum, and that’s where the nurse stabbed me, and then the Hoff stabbed me on the exact same place. And I mean STAB! He looked like something out of a fifties horror movie wielding that syringe! (Cue scary ching! ching! ching! music that goes with repeated stabbing of the girl with the big breasts) And that would be me; ever since starting the pill, I look like a Baywatch babe (not).

I promised photo evidence, so here it is ladies and gentlemen:
My personal collection of vitamins, minerals, and Parlodel
….and my “stash”…

Pretty impressive hey? Enough to keep me in a fog for fourteen days… The three on the left have already been used. I am feeling pretty disconnected from this whole process, it is quite surreal. Which explains why I am handling it so well. Actually, I am waiting for the penny to drop, but not inviting it. If I can get through this feeling the way I do now, I’ll be really pleased. (Though somehow, I doubt it… – especially if and when I reach the dreaded 2ww) But hey, that is then and this is now, and I think it’s best to make hay while the sun shines, don’t you?

Before I go, I would like to send my heartfelt congratulations to Karen and Seth at My Perky Ovaries, who very recently welcomed three bouncing babies into the world. Head on over and take a peek…

and one last thing, I got this off Caro’s blog – she is now about 8 or 9 weeks as far as I know…

You Are a Cappuccino

You’re fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.
However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.
You are a total girly girly at heart – and prefer your coffee with good conversation.
You’re the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

Shootin’ up a storm

So after a seemingly never-ending round of BCP’s, September 18th finally rolled around. And it was over with in a heartbeat.

I went in. Spoke to the nurse. She stabbed me in the stomach and charged me R900 for more of the same! I was feeling a bit weird after the first Lucrin shot, and got this disgustingly bitter taste in my mouth, but other than that, nothing major. Today I actually felt fantastic… until about six o’clock. That’s when the headache set in, and it is here to stay.

So far I am feeling quite good, not exactly optimistic, but not entirely pessimistic, either. I am trying to keep positive, but very scared to let hope in the door. Yes, I have started daydreaming again… Picturing myself in the mirror, rubbing my swollen tummy… laying under the trees on a picnic blanky with “The Embryo That Could”. (Okay, that was a bit weird! But you get my meaning…) At the same time I realise how very dangerous this type of thinking can be. Damnit.

Also, I have been keeping up with my mandatory 50 gajillion litres of water per day, and I must tell you that my skin is definitely thanking me. My bladder is using abusive four lettered hate words. It is a good kick start on the whole “living more healthily” angle that I have ranted about in the recent past. Plus the nurse says it gives my ovaries a fighting chance. And I’m all for that!

I still have to post the obligatory show of needles, but I am too tired and headachey to lay them all out, so you may just get a photo of the bucket which they came in 🙂 Oh, all right, I’ll lay them out all fancy! Don’t beg! It’s actually not that impressive because I don’t have the Menopur shots yet, so this will be like a preview, really. (Watch this space)

From the not-so-secret Garden, that’s all I have to report right now. You know what they say: “No news is good news.”