Category Archives: Hope

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Shootin’ up a storm

So after a seemingly never-ending round of BCP’s, September 18th finally rolled around. And it was over with in a heartbeat.

I went in. Spoke to the nurse. She stabbed me in the stomach and charged me R900 for more of the same! I was feeling a bit weird after the first Lucrin shot, and got this disgustingly bitter taste in my mouth, but other than that, nothing major. Today I actually felt fantastic… until about six o’clock. That’s when the headache set in, and it is here to stay.

So far I am feeling quite good, not exactly optimistic, but not entirely pessimistic, either. I am trying to keep positive, but very scared to let hope in the door. Yes, I have started daydreaming again… Picturing myself in the mirror, rubbing my swollen tummy… laying under the trees on a picnic blanky with “The Embryo That Could”. (Okay, that was a bit weird! But you get my meaning…) At the same time I realise how very dangerous this type of thinking can be. Damnit.

Also, I have been keeping up with my mandatory 50 gajillion litres of water per day, and I must tell you that my skin is definitely thanking me. My bladder is using abusive four lettered hate words. It is a good kick start on the whole “living more healthily” angle that I have ranted about in the recent past. Plus the nurse says it gives my ovaries a fighting chance. And I’m all for that!

I still have to post the obligatory show of needles, but I am too tired and headachey to lay them all out, so you may just get a photo of the bucket which they came in 🙂 Oh, all right, I’ll lay them out all fancy! Don’t beg! It’s actually not that impressive because I don’t have the Menopur shots yet, so this will be like a preview, really. (Watch this space)

From the not-so-secret Garden, that’s all I have to report right now. You know what they say: “No news is good news.”

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5 Things I am Grateful For

Whew! That was a real drain on the soul… Good news. I have pulled myself towards myself (great S.African saying) and I am feeling much more positive today.
I have two strategies for getting over myself when I am wallowing in a mud bath of self pity:

Firstly, I think of someone worse off than me. This comes to me in the shape of a family member who is struggling with the aftermath of badly administered radiation treatment, after a very traumatic mastectomy. Simply put, her lymph nodes in her underarm were fried, so no lymph drainage to her left arm. She had to have the arm put into a cast to prevent her from using it and to try to manage the swelling. Consequently, she has lost all movement in that arm which has swelled to about 3 times it’s normal size due to protein build up. Add to that, her bone and flesh in her chest are beginning to fuse together, which I believe is blocking what few glands she has left on that side. The treatment for this does not cure it, only manages her immense and continuous pain. It is obviously very costly. She has two children, and her employers want to board her, as her job involves typing, which she now does with her good right hand only. (She is left handed)

On the other hand, I am healthy as an ox. I have my sight, hearing, and all of my appendages intact. I am “suffering’ with infertility, but have so many treatment options available to me still. The medical aids do not offer support for this problem, but luckily, with a bit of careful budgeting and a bit of begging, borrowing, and maybe stealing 🙂 we will get enough money together to have the treatments done. Once the infertility is cured, the scars will heal, and the pain will be a distant memory. Not so for the above-mentioned person.

Secondly, I adopt an approach that Oprah Winfrey subscribes to. List 5 things daily that I am grateful for. Here goes:
1. My health. No more whining about gym. I am healthy enough to enjoy the benefits of gym, and to make my healthy strong body even more so. I can run, jump, skip and dance.
2. My job. Yes, it can be tedious and boring, but it allows me the finances to persue my dreams, and I get to sit next to my bestest bud all day and talk, joke and laugh with her. (And sometimes cry with her, also a blessing)
3. My age. I am still young enough to try all the options available at minimal risk. And it is a great age, you’re old enough for life to start making some sense, and young enough to still feel young.
4. My Husband. He is a kind, intelligent, hardworking and loyal man. Not perfect, but perfect for me.
5. Blue sky. I maintain that Johannesburg has the best sky in the world. It is mostly an intense blue, with the most amazing cloud formations, and awesome thunderstorms and lightning displays. If I want to feel better about life, I just have to look up.

Of course there are many more things I am grateful for, we’ll save those for another day. For now I am happier, more positive and excited about life. In a mail I received yesterday, there was an anonymous quote that said “Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal.” If you don’t see obstacles, you don’t acknowledge their existence, and you don’t give them the power to stop you from reaching your goal, you can only be successful. Schweet.

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It’s The Weeke-e-e-e-e-nd Baby!

Not a moment too soon, either! This week has dragged on for, like, eons! Luckily there are loads of good blogs to while away the afternoon. I think I need a cup of tea…. just a sec…

There! That’s better! Now I can think straight. After a week from hell on Clo.mid and Oestrogen(I really pity all the IVF’ers on the injections), I need a break. I fired a couple of my customers, argued politics with Debs, almost bit DH’s head right off last night for being half an hour late last night…. (half an hour for goodness’ sake!) I’m losing it I tell ya! Friday could not have come sooner. I just want to get back to my normal, calm, happy-go-lucky self. Then on Monday it’s back to Giant Country to visit my BFG. (CD 12 scan, Pregnyl) Wish me luck.

On a slightly sadder note:

I am so sorry to hear of Steph’s BFN – it’s the thing we all fear the most. When I read Steph’s short, heartbreaking post this morning, all the familiar feelings came flooding back. We do feel each others’ pain. I also remembered how much better I felt, though, when the comments started coming in. All the encouraging words, the sincere and heartfelt comments were like a mother who scoops her wounded child into her arms and coo’s “There there, little one. It will be alright.”

The child is still wounded, but the comfort of it’s mothers words bring about a sense of healing. Days pass, the wounds begin to heal, and hope flickers into life again. Steph, it will be alright. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but very, very soon. And when you have the strength to get up and try again, we will be right alongside you.

As my Debs said to me in my darkest hour, “Today we allow our hearts to break. Tomorrow, we do whatever we can to make things right.”