PG Strikes Again

Looks like an early winter… for us.

It has been an early winter in a lot of ways.  The failure of my second IVF heralded the leaves turning gold and crimson in February already.  Losing my little doggy Amber saw them breaking loose and floating to the ground, leaving the grand old trees naked in the wind by April. 

And it really has been an early winter.  It got cold rather suddenly. Before we had a chance to shop for leggings and leather jackets, there was a distinct bite in the air.

I haven’t had a lot to say recently either.  After my own personal early winter, I was rather unsure of my next move.  I was reading at Mel’s post about a favourite book of hers.  She read all but the last page, fearing that after the last page was read, the book would be over for her forever. “I loved this book so much that I always refused to read the last page because I thought that if I didn’t read it, the book didn’t end. I am terrible with endings.”

I suppose I feel the same about treatment at the moment.  The longer I leave it the longer it won’t be “the end” for me either.  The idea that I still may be a mom is more appealing to me than reality at the moment.  I am getting plans together rather slowly for blood tests and such, but drawing it out as long as I can.  I am delaying the inevitable, really.  I mean the outcome is the outcome, whether now or in six months.

I am just enjoying not thinking about it, is all.  I guess I didn’t want to bore you either with the non event that is my life at the moment.  I am not one of those people that fills the awkward silences.  I am ususally the person that creates them.

The good news is that we got a new puppy so that Jasmine wouldn’t be the only four-legged “person” in the house.  Our new addition, Emma, is a chocolate mini dachshund, and she has already stolen our hearts.  She is cheeky and confident, unlike Amber who was timid and so gentle.  I am glad they are so different because it helps me to remember Amber for her own special qualities. 

I will post some pics soon, and keep you updated on the progression of my eternal blood tests.

I have been slow to comment – although I have been reading your posts. So I don’t expect a flood of comments.  If you read and move on, that’s okay with me.  As long as you’re still out there.

Insomnia Please Release Me…

Sorry about that last post – I wanted to see what that was all about and had to post it in order to gain access.  It looks quite good actually, it is a course about having more energy and getting what you want out of life, your job etc.

I am back to not sleeping – I think the work side of things is playing on my mind.  I lay in bed last night until 2:30 going over the work for this week.  Eventually I listened to some wacko CD which is supposed to lull you to sleep, but they have this crazy bell which “DINGS” every 5 seconds.  So even if it was working, the bell wakes you up.  I ended up listening to a meditation CD called Body Brilliance and that seemed to do the trick.

I still stand by what I said in my previous post about control.  But in life, everything is easier said than done, so I regard myself as a work in progress.

I am going through a forum-stalker phase, where I spend most waking moments on the net waiting for someone to post something new.  I am travelling other people’s IF journeys as I am unable to travel my own right now.  I get a lot of comfort from hearing about their daily injections, scans, follie updates etc. I know, I am a sad example of a human being.  You know what they say – whatever gets you through the day.

As unstable as I am sounding at the moment I am actually okay.  (Besides not sleeping and obsessing about work)  I am very excited to tell you that I have an appointment to see the Hypnotherapist on Wednesday and I can’t wait to hear what she has to say.  I will keep you posted.  Apparently it’s not that scary hypno that takes over your mind and makes you cluck like a chicken – you are very lucid and aware the whole time, it’s a sort of deep meditation from what I can gather.  The other kind is against my religion, so we’ll be doing none of that!

Other than that, I’ve got a nasty cold.  Please post something *someone* so that I can go and stalk you. Thanks. ‘Preciate it.

Resolutions (I know I know…)

Wow! I really missed you guys, and just had a nice big catch up session…  I wish for a happy and successful 2008 for all of you, and by successful I mean pregnancies all round! (Or live births if you’ve already crossed the great IF divide).

It has been a really relaxing, much needed break.  I am feeling positive and ready for this next cycle.  It will be my 2nd IVF, for those of you who have just tuned in.  As mentioned in my last post, January 2nd was D-day for me to start Lucrin.  I got my first “shot” this morning, and within an hour I felt the familiar fog.  I refuse to go down without a fight, so I downed 1.5 litres of water, and then felt nauseous and foggy!  I am so glad I waited ’til after the holidays!  Still feeling good though, and very determined.

I am going to try and get some acu in before the retrieval.  I am still off work, so now is a good time to kickstart all of that.  I have many, many resolutions and I need to get a start on all of them:  (or at least one heeheeheehee!)

1. I will go to gym regularly.

2. I will eat better.

3. I will try not to stress.

4. I will believe in success.

5. I will make more effort with friends.

6. I will learn how to use my fabulous new Canon EOS 400.

7. I will start to draw again.

8. I will try to complain less.

If I think of any others, I will update the list.  It’s more for my reference than anything else.  As far as resolutions go, I believe that if you don’t try, you’ll never succeed.  So I’d like to give it a good go.  I haven’t included “Have a baby” on this list, as that is not something I have a lot of control over.  And at this point in time, I’m okay with that.

Diamonds in the Rough

It has taken me a while to come to terms with IVF 1.  I am finally in an okay place about that.  I have realised that I actually grieved my early miscarriage and had all the accompanying emotions.  First, sadness.  Then Anger.  Disbelief followed that. And finally, acceptance.  I still feel a pang every now and then.  That is to be expected. 

In the meantime, there have been two pregnancy announcements in my family.  Both unplanned (obviously), one a bit of a shock.  After those two pregnancies were announced so soon after my biochemical pregnancy, I felt like I was being flung into a nightmare from which there was no escape.  Like some kind of horror movie where I am not allowed to cover my eyes in the scary parts. Just as you find courage when facing fears you never thought you could face, I discovered a strength in me that I never knew I had, and have been able to overcome those feelings. Feelings like hurt, jealousy, anger, resentment and pure despair.  It’s no-one else’s fault that I feel these things:  they only serve to highlight feelings that were there all along. 

We, those of us battling fertility problems, can’t afford to be weak, and to give up.  We have to be tenacious, to keep trying despite ourselves, and always hope.  My friend made a comment to me a few days ago that I have changed from all of this.  She was mourning the “old” me.  I was a bit hurt by this comment, but later realised that she was partly right.  Only, the old me is alive and well.  The old me is still here, but with many new facets, like a rough stone that has been cut and polished.  The value of that stone is much greater once it becomes a diamond.  But don’t forget where that diamond came from.  We are all diamonds, shaped by our tragedies, misfortunes and our will to keep going.  We are still the same stones, but we have been transformed, our diamond cutter’s name: Infertility.

I am proud of who I am and the things I have become.  I may not always be cheerful and carefree, but I am still me.  I may not always jump with glee at the news of someone else’s pregnancy, but deep down I still wish them well, and feel happy for them to experience all the things that I long for.  I may cry, but out of those tears comes empathy, and determination that I never had before. I  love more deeply, cry harder, have a profound appreciation, and my heart has grown to accommodate all of those I have met along the way.  I don’t wish infertility on my worst enemy, but wish that they knew some of the unlikely gifts that it has given to me.