Clouds Gathering Again…

Well, I thought I would have the obligatory one or two days of sadness, and then everything would be peachy after that. Unfortunately, it has not happened that way.

I have been feeling miserable this whole week. I think I know why. Doing the IUI’s was okay, because, well, if one failed, I would just do another. I mean, surely it would work within 3? Isn’t that the statistic? Then 3 IUI’s came and went, and still nothing. I am just so sick and tired of being disappointed. I would do another IUI before IVF, except that if it failed again, they would have to be standing by with a straight jacket. (“They” being the people with the straight jackets, of course.) It would be straight to the nuthouse for me. Do not pass begin, do not collect $200.

I am ashamed to say that at the beginning of this very short but very exhausting IUI journey, I was actually feeling a bit smug. I felt really bad for all the other sorry souls out there that were on IUI 6 or IVF 3. It would never happen that way with me. I would be PG within my 3 designated IUI’s. My doctor said so, and I believed. Why should I doubt?
After each failure, I began to feel a little more cynical, but kept thinking “it’s not over yet”. Well, now it feels “over”.
I guess being at the IVF crossroads makes it so much more real for me, and for the first time I am feeling really, really, INFERTILE.

INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INF
ERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERT
ILE.

If you say it enough times out loud it starts to sound like a foreign language. What is it? What does it mean? Why me? What if IVF #1 doesn’t work? So many questions, and no answers.

Then there’s the financial aspect of IVF. With South Africa being a developing country, they have much bigger medical fish to fry than poor Mands that can’t have a baby. So there is no financial assistance for those of us here wanting to do treatments. I managed the IUI’s, as they weren’t too bad. It just meant that we had to cut back here and there. IVF is a whole other ballgame. It is approximately R30 000 ($4300) without ICSI or extra meds. We don’t have that amount of money stashed under the mattress, so we will have to take out a loan.

On top of all this, SIL (the lovely dutch girl) is probably going to be having her baby soon. I feel badly for her as she is suffering with high blood pressure brought on by the pregnancy. Of course, I am happy for her and my baby brother, who will be embarking on this great adventure called parenthood. It couldn’t happen to two nicer people. At the same time, I feel panicked. I am not ready for another baby in the family. I have been fine with her pregnancy all along, but it is really striking home now, it’s feeling a lot more real than ever before. It won’t be just a pregnancy anymore, it will be a real, live, little person. I feel so very empty.

So I guess you could say that the break is not going too well so far. Stay tuned.

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A Break In The Clouds

I am feeling much better today. After letting it all hang out, I am on the mend.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we will be taking a break from treatment, and then lining up our first IVF after about 2 months. It feels right to do this, as, emotionally, and financially, we need a rest. Doing IUI 3 months in a row has left me quite drained in both areas. It will be nice to just think about other things for a little while, and to find my joy again. I have been so consumed by the treatments, that I have forgotten to carry on living in the meantime.

I know this is a little late, but I would like to say that I am very sorry for Nicole, who lost her baby at 9 weeks. Please go around there and offer her some support, she could really use it now.

I will still try to post as often as possible, and I will definitely be keeping an eye on all of you, so please don’t abandon The Secret Garden! 🙂

As promised in an earlier post, here are one or two pics of my beautiful four year old niece (and godchild), Tyler.