6dp3dt

I am sorry for the not-too-original title, but that’s the way it is people.

I am officially 6 days past transfer.  I have had the odd tweak and the odd twinge or two, but nothing unusual going on here.  I don’t even have progesterone side effects this time around.  When does implantation take place anyway?  I had the feeling with my last IVF that I had late implantation, as I had no symptoms in the 1st week as well. 

Anyway, not to obsess or anything… 

I would like to take a moment, and offer my sincerest condolences to Mary Ellen and Steve, who lost their 3 precious little girls to an infection, which Mary Ellen is still trying to fight off.  This is something which no one should have to endure.  I am so sorry ME and Steve, there are no words.  I cried as I read the words on their blog, kindly updated by their friend, Serenity.  This song is dedicated to Mary Ellen, Steve and the girls.

 Tears In Heaven

by Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
‘Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I’ll find my way
Through night and day,
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There’s peace I’m sure,
And I know there’ll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
‘Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven.

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The Good News…

is that my embryo’s haven’t been consumed by the darkness of rolling blackouts.  I got 12 retrieved, and of those 12, 8 fertilised, and of those 8, 7 continued to grow on day 3!  This is moonsbetter than my last retrieval, which resulted in 2 good embies that ended up as an early miscarriage / biochemical PG. 

The even better news is that 2 excellent embies were transferred yesterday, and 5 more excellent embies were put on ice, so to speak.  Now that’s what I’m talking about!

With IVF 1, I was highly stressed at work, and this time, I decided to take 2 days off after my transfer to give these embies the chance they (and I) deserve.  I think I did the right thing.  I am feeling relaxed, positive, and best of all, I have some time to catch up with all of you!

The best news is that Debs is back next week, just in time to alleviate some work pressure in my 2ww.  Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa! And we have an employee, which should take a load off as well.

***********************************************

Besides all that, I have been reading “The Secret”, and one thing that really struck me is this:

You can’t be thinking one thing and feeling another.  If you have bad or negative thoughts, you’ll feel bad too.  The day of my transfer I woke up and said “I have between 6 and 8 embies left today, and that makes me very happy and excited.  And guess what?  I got 7!  Weird, but 100% fact!

I want to mention “The Road Less Travelled” – she is in her 2ww after IUI.  Good luck, many blessings, my friend.  To everyone else in the 2ww, let’s look forward to February being our month ladies! 

(PS: Beta 11th Feb) 🙂

2dp3dt

Gee I never thought I’d see a title like that on my blog. A lot has happened since my last post. Of my ten “babies”, only eight carried on dividing, and of those, only two were normal enough to transfer. I have none to freeze, as the rest of them were abnormal. I was disappointed at first, but I am grateful that I had two perfect ones to put back.

The transfer went very well, and the nurse (and the doc) held my hand and were very comforting. It was a very emotional moment to see the flash of white as they were injected in.
I have been having many many conflicting thoughts since Sunday. I want so badly to be 100% positive, but with a 50% gamble on my precious little embryos, it’s not easy.

I have been really busy at work (so much for relaxing in the 2ww!). It has been good in the sense that it keeps my mind occupied, but I am so tired. Yesterday when I got home (at 7:30pm) my back ached, my ute ached and I was feeling exhausted. The progesterone is making me bloated and nauseous. (To my family that read this blog – it’s definitely the progesterone, don’t jump to conclusions!!) But I’m not complaining though 🙂 I am just hoping that my lucky two are doing their thing and finding a nice comfy spot to settle into for the next 9 months!

That’s all for now, the 2ww is at it’s usual watching paint dry lull. Please pray for my two, I need some backup here.

Boo hoo hoo

There is not much to report this side.

Besides having really, really sore bbs, and getting fatter by the nano-second, I am my usual symptom-free self. (I know the sore bbs could be from the injections, even though I like to kid myself that it’s because I might be pregnant). How the hell would I know? I never have been pregnant. Boo hoo hoo. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.
I am getting increasingly nervous as another 2ww draws to a close. Okay, I still have 5 more days until it’s officially over, but I keep thinking that, surely I would have felt something by now? A tweak? A twinge? Anything?

I have just read an article about a single woman who fell pregnant with her 1st IUI, using donor sperm – with twins! By 11dpo she had a positive HPT, albeit it a very faint one. She now has two beautiful little girls. I am already on 9dpo, and not a sausage. Man, I really hate all this waiting around. It feels like a Lotto draw, and I’m never the lucky millionaire. I know I shouldn’t mope. There are others in a much worse position than me.

On the upside Baby Blues has just started her 2ww. Pop over and give her some support. She received my book, so at least that should keep her busy for a while. Bea is hanging in there with her early pregnancy. She could use an encouraging word as well, I’m sure.

*Sigh*

I’ll be okay. I promise. It’s a passing phase.

iPod Shuffle IF Game

Went over to Sarah’s and checked out her Infertility Song Shuffle. Even if you are not tearing your hair out in your 2ww, this one is definitely worth a go. Let me explain: you have a list of questions relating to IF. You have your iPod on and set to shuffle. Then you go through the shuffled play list, and each new (random) song is the answer to the next IF question. So without further ado, I present my IF Shuffle.

1. The song for the “you” that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
Blue Monday – New Order
(Huh?)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
You could be happy – Snow Patrol
(I take it that’s a YES!)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
They can’t take that away from me – Robbie Williams
(I assume he is talking about the thousands of rands that they have taken away from me – boy was I ever wrong!)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
Famous last words – My Chemical Romance
(Need I say more?)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Wild Horses! – Gino Vanelli
(I ride them whilst doing IF chants and sprinkling baby dust!!)

6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to acupuncture and ‘body workers’?
Summer Skin – Death Cab for Cutie
(Skin – body workers – I sense a connection here)

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
Op die Voetpad – Chris Chameleon
(This is Afrikaans for “On the Footpath” – the one that leads out of the closet?)

8. Your song for other people’s baby showers:
Kiss you off – Scissor Sisters
(Totally appropriate)

9. What about our scary friend hope?
Behind Blue Eyes – Limp Bizkit
(Is that where she’s been hiding?)

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
Right Here Waiting – Richard Marx
(Enough Said)

Go on give it a bash – it’s a lot of fun and takes the mind off! And as Sarah pointed out, this game can be played again and again! It also gives us a little insight into our fellow-bloggers‘ music tastes! 🙂

IUI Update: Went for 2nd insemination yesterday. Yesterday morning was a comedy of errors, (not going to elaborate) and by the time I got to the doc’s rooms I was feeling quite tense. Needless to say, my suspicions of yesterday’s easy-peasey-japanesey insemination were well founded. Today I am swollen and uncomfortable. I still got my blanky and cuppa, so it wasn’t that bad. And my half hour lie-in. I still *heart* my BFG, and all is well in the Secret Garden. Now we wait.

Fair Seas, Plain Sailing

Whew! I am back in Johannesburg after my weeks’ sojourn. I really love spending time with my family, but there really is no place like home. I went to see my dear BFG today for my first insemination of IUI #3. When he came striding in wearing his sea green theatre pyjamas, with his little blue paper hat, my heart warmed, and it struck me that we actually form quite a close relationship with our docs. There was something so comforting about being back in that clinic with that doctor. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. H is all that and a bag of chips. But he’s not my BFG. My BFG is quite an intuitive man. He gave me one of his big, easy grins and inquired about my well being. I said that I was very well thank you. He sat down, scooped up the sperm wash results, and poured over them for a minute or so. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“Excellent.”
He motioned for me to go and change. As I walked into the exam room, he smiled again, and remarked on how relaxed I looked. I felt relaxed. The type of feeling you get sitting in an old comfortable armchair.
While he got busy with the speculum, we chatted about the lifespan of an egg after ovulation, and his other patient who went to start her IVF treatment after her 4th IUI, and found out that she was indeed PG, so did not, in fact, need IVF after all. Chatter chatter chatter.
Then he sat down next to me and continued to waffle about this and that. After a while he bade me goodbye, and the receptionist came in with a blankie and a cuppa tea. Lovely. The whole thing went very smoothly, and the ute felt absolutely fine afterwards. No irritable uterus, aggro cervix, or anything of that nature. My body co-operated for once, and it was plain sailing. (Isn’t it weird how we worry when things go too smoothly though? – there must be something wrong – I am still waiting for the catch – how terribly cynical and IF-ish of me!)
After the obligatory half an hour lie-down, I went back to work. When I got there I gave Debs a great big bear hug. (Missed her stacks) We had coffee and caught up on all the news. Oh, BTW, news just in: Tertia Albertyn is pregnant. Naturally, no less. Who’da thunk it?
So here I am back in that same old familiar place: the two week wait. Good times. Good times…

Note: I am starting a suggestion list of things to do whilst 2ww’ing – I am fresh out of ideas! You may send all suggestions to this post, and I will publish them for all the other 2ww’ers out there who are at an equal loss of anything useful to do!

A Little Story About Me

I would like to thank everyone for their love and support. It is never easy facing a BFN, but having you all around makes it a bit more bearable somehow. This used to be a very lonely road for me. Now I feel like I have some wonderful travelling companions. It certainly makes the journey less tiresome. Special thanks to Tam, who stuck by me like glue – I lived for her e-mails in my 2ww.

I would like to tell you about someone else who is very special in my life. My grandfather. Fondly known as “papa” ever since I could talk.
My mom fell pregnant with me when she was just sixteen or so. (No, I did not inherit her terribly fertile genes!) She was young, and scared. She had discussed putting me up for adoption, and there was a wealthy couple who were interested. On the day that they arrived to discuss the adoption, my mom became very upset. My grandfather calmly called her to one side and asked her what she wanted to do. She said that she wanted to keep her baby (that would be me). My grandfather said that if that’s what she wanted, then that’s what she would do. They did not answer the door, and waited quietly in the house for the people to leave. I am not sure what transpired after that, all I know is that I was never adopted by that family, and I have my “papa” to thank for that.
My grandparents helped to take care of me up until I was about four or so, and even after my mom moved away and made a life for herself, I stayed very close to my grandparents. They have always stood by me, loved me unconditionally, and always made me feel very special. I still see them as often as I can. They are always grateful for our visits, yet I don’t see it that way. I feel that they are such a big part of my life, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Since I “came out” with my IF problems, my gran has been right there, cheering me on through everything. They are both very dear to my heart, and I hope they know it.
Last but not least my mom, who, although very young and probably very scared, chose the immense responsibility of raising me, loving, feeding and clothing me. Of course she did this with the help of my dad, because without him, who knows where we would be today. But that’s a whole other story…