I have slept soundly for the last two nights. Don’t ask me what has changed. Maybe my body gave up after 3 weeks of not sleeping. Needless to say I am feeling immensely better. I feel human again.
I went cycling at Kyalami Race Track twice last week, maybe that had something to do with it. I have also realised why I have been feeling so down and out. Not being able to conceive is something we have very little control over. Getting a BFN is not something we can change, what’s done is done.
The thing is that in the past, I have found control in other ways. I had my business to run, over which I had a lot of control. Now I work for a boss, and have very little say in what I do day to day. I have not been excercising, another way I used to have control. I guess maybe going to the track and getting onto my bicycle again has empowered me in a way. I feel like I can be as healthy or unhealthy as I choose. I may not have any say at work, or with childbearing matters, but I can take charge of my life in other ways. I can choose to be happy or sad, lazy or motivated, fit or unfit, fat or thin, positive or negative. I said to the Hoff the other day that I did not feel like the master of my own destiny – I felt like destiny was dragging me around by my short and curlys. That was a choice too. (I think I may be having a “light-bulb” moment!)
Hmmm, maybe that is what has changed. You see? Blogging is better than therapy.
(Just promise me that when destiny starts dragging me around again, you will direct me back to this post) 🙂