Today…

… I started to bleed.  Not a lot, but much more than before.  My good friend Baby Blues(who has been very quiet lately) left a comment saying “It’s not over ’til you need a pad.”  Well, that was today.  (Sorry for too much information, but that’s the way it is)

I was okay.  I packed my laptop, got into my car and started driving home.  I got about halfway when it hit me like a ton of bricks, and crushed me in the same way.

Now I am sitting in bed typing this, after sleeping for 3 hours this afternoon.  My eyes hurt from all the crying and I have a headache.  The pain in my abdomen is a constant reminder of what is happening inside of me.  My little embryo is letting go.  Maybe he or she was sick.  Maybe just weak and unable to continue.  Whatever the reason, I will not be holding him or her in my arms next year July, as I had daydreamed about so many times during this cycle.  I am so thankful though, because this little one has given me hope that I did not have before this IVF.  You see, I was convinced that I was faulty and that I would never have children.  The few days of mild nausea, cramping and strange and wonderful sensations that I have had, and my low but positive beta, have convinced me otherwise.  Thank you little embryo(s), your short stay was not in vain, I promise. 

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12 thoughts on “Today…

  1. Leigh says:

    I don’t have anything I can even say to you. Just know that I am thinking about you and Duane.

  2. jv says:

    I’m so, so sorry.

  3. Debbie says:

    I’m so so sorry (sniff, sniff)

  4. Samantha says:

    I’m sorry, I have a headache too.

  5. Bumble says:

    I’m so sorry Mands. So very sorry… 😦

  6. From Here To Maternity says:

    I’m so sorry Mands 😦

  7. Chris says:

    Oh I’m so sorry. And I feel your pain. Wallow in it, and soon you will start to come out of it.

  8. Sticky Bun says:

    I’m so sorry, Mands. Thinking of you…

  9. Bea says:

    I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re feeling hope, but I would rather it have been due to an ongoing pregnancy. I’m glad you took yourself home to cry.

    Bea

  10. Elize says:

    Oh Mands, I’m so sorry, I feel so sad. I’ve been lurking for a while now following your story. I’m thinking of you. The verse your mom gave you is beautiful.

  11. Buchiko says:

    My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time. I hopped on here from Baby Blue’s site and read your story. Hope is a tricky thing .. but if this has helped you renew it, then what is happening to you has served a purpose. Hugs and prayers.

  12. I’m so sorry, sweetie.

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