Level 7 – I’ve Been Promoted.

I won’t beat around the bush here. This cycle has failed. Am I upset? Hell yes.

No matter how much I try to hide away from the sorrow I feel, it does not abate. It stays and causes such an ache in my chest. The only way to get rid of it is to let my feelings out. Let it all hang out there, like a load of dirty washing that won’t come clean, no matter how many times I wash it. And it feels like dirty washing, too. Something I am not proud of, that I want to stash away in a cupboard somewhere so no-one can see how much it’s affecting me. And yet the only way to actually feel better is to hang it up and watch it dry.

Let me say a sad goodbye to my “Stage 6 Baby Dust Status”. All you level Sevener’s out there, I expect a hearty welcome. Just in case you have forgotten what a Level 7 Infertile is, let me remind you:

Level Seven: The Veteran Infertile: (Courtesy of Princess Smartypants)

The VI has now been through numerous failed infertility treatments. She has long abandoned her perky on-line friends for other vets who are bitter and angry like herself. There is no baby dust there. In fact, if someone so much as mentions baby dust, they should be prepared to have it shoved so far up their ass it comes out their nose when they sneeze. The VI and her friends post on message boards and blog about the horrendous-ness that is infertility. For many VIs, this on-line misery-loves-company support is the only thing that keeps their heads above water. It connects them with someone who actually knows how they feel.
The VI has to sit on her hands to keep from smacking anyone who tells her to think positively because “I had a cousin who…” or because “I know just how you feel, it took us 3 months!” (though it has been noted that some don’t bother sitting on their hands…)
The Vet inserts her needles while simultaneously talking on the phone, eating dinner, and knitting a sweater.
Many people know about the infertility. You can’t miss that much work and not expect people to ask questions. The VI has by now given up many of the hobbies and activities she used to participate in because treatment takes up too much time, too much money, or just too much energy.
She avoids events and activities that she knows a pregnant woman or new mom will be attending. So, she avoids A LOT.
She begins to believe that she may never become pregnant.

****************************************************

So here I am. Almost 6 years and 3 IUI’s later, and nothing to show for it. I will most likely be taking a month or two’s break, after which I will start IVF. Thank you all for your unfaltering support. I will still be around, cheering all of you on. To all of you still in your 2ww, I bestow my last bit of *baby dust* on you, and pray for a positive outcome for all of you.

A note to my family: I know this is very upsetting for you, and difficult to make any sense of. I could sugar coat it and pretend I am okay, but I am not okay. It’s not the end though, it’s just the beginning of a whole other path of treatment. A path I never wanted to end up on, but then, we don’t always get what we want. I appreciate all of your love and support. It does not go unnoticed.

Playing on the radio at the moment is “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. This song is very descriptive of how I am feeling at the moment:

“If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world.
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old,
Show me a Garden
That’s bursting into life.”

Boo hoo hoo

There is not much to report this side.

Besides having really, really sore bbs, and getting fatter by the nano-second, I am my usual symptom-free self. (I know the sore bbs could be from the injections, even though I like to kid myself that it’s because I might be pregnant). How the hell would I know? I never have been pregnant. Boo hoo hoo. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.
I am getting increasingly nervous as another 2ww draws to a close. Okay, I still have 5 more days until it’s officially over, but I keep thinking that, surely I would have felt something by now? A tweak? A twinge? Anything?

I have just read an article about a single woman who fell pregnant with her 1st IUI, using donor sperm – with twins! By 11dpo she had a positive HPT, albeit it a very faint one. She now has two beautiful little girls. I am already on 9dpo, and not a sausage. Man, I really hate all this waiting around. It feels like a Lotto draw, and I’m never the lucky millionaire. I know I shouldn’t mope. There are others in a much worse position than me.

On the upside Baby Blues has just started her 2ww. Pop over and give her some support. She received my book, so at least that should keep her busy for a while. Bea is hanging in there with her early pregnancy. She could use an encouraging word as well, I’m sure.

*Sigh*

I’ll be okay. I promise. It’s a passing phase.

iPod Shuffle IF Game

Went over to Sarah’s and checked out her Infertility Song Shuffle. Even if you are not tearing your hair out in your 2ww, this one is definitely worth a go. Let me explain: you have a list of questions relating to IF. You have your iPod on and set to shuffle. Then you go through the shuffled play list, and each new (random) song is the answer to the next IF question. So without further ado, I present my IF Shuffle.

1. The song for the “you” that existed before you ever thought about your fertility:
Blue Monday – New Order
(Huh?)

2. Would you really want to go back and be that person again?
You could be happy – Snow Patrol
(I take it that’s a YES!)

3. The song for when you first started fertility treatments:
They can’t take that away from me – Robbie Williams
(I assume he is talking about the thousands of rands that they have taken away from me – boy was I ever wrong!)

4. What did infertility do to your sex life?
Famous last words – My Chemical Romance
(Need I say more?)

5. What about superstitions and fertility rituals?
Wild Horses! – Gino Vanelli
(I ride them whilst doing IF chants and sprinkling baby dust!!)

6. How about “alternative” treatments, from cough syrup and pineapple to acupuncture and ‘body workers’?
Summer Skin – Death Cab for Cutie
(Skin – body workers – I sense a connection here)

7. How do you feel about coming out of the IF closet?
Op die Voetpad – Chris Chameleon
(This is Afrikaans for “On the Footpath” – the one that leads out of the closet?)

8. Your song for other people’s baby showers:
Kiss you off – Scissor Sisters
(Totally appropriate)

9. What about our scary friend hope?
Behind Blue Eyes – Limp Bizkit
(Is that where she’s been hiding?)

10. And lastly, the theme song of your fertility journey:
Right Here Waiting – Richard Marx
(Enough Said)

Go on give it a bash – it’s a lot of fun and takes the mind off! And as Sarah pointed out, this game can be played again and again! It also gives us a little insight into our fellow-bloggers‘ music tastes! 🙂

IUI Update: Went for 2nd insemination yesterday. Yesterday morning was a comedy of errors, (not going to elaborate) and by the time I got to the doc’s rooms I was feeling quite tense. Needless to say, my suspicions of yesterday’s easy-peasey-japanesey insemination were well founded. Today I am swollen and uncomfortable. I still got my blanky and cuppa, so it wasn’t that bad. And my half hour lie-in. I still *heart* my BFG, and all is well in the Secret Garden. Now we wait.

Fair Seas, Plain Sailing

Whew! I am back in Johannesburg after my weeks’ sojourn. I really love spending time with my family, but there really is no place like home. I went to see my dear BFG today for my first insemination of IUI #3. When he came striding in wearing his sea green theatre pyjamas, with his little blue paper hat, my heart warmed, and it struck me that we actually form quite a close relationship with our docs. There was something so comforting about being back in that clinic with that doctor. Don’t get me wrong, Dr. H is all that and a bag of chips. But he’s not my BFG. My BFG is quite an intuitive man. He gave me one of his big, easy grins and inquired about my well being. I said that I was very well thank you. He sat down, scooped up the sperm wash results, and poured over them for a minute or so. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“Excellent.”
He motioned for me to go and change. As I walked into the exam room, he smiled again, and remarked on how relaxed I looked. I felt relaxed. The type of feeling you get sitting in an old comfortable armchair.
While he got busy with the speculum, we chatted about the lifespan of an egg after ovulation, and his other patient who went to start her IVF treatment after her 4th IUI, and found out that she was indeed PG, so did not, in fact, need IVF after all. Chatter chatter chatter.
Then he sat down next to me and continued to waffle about this and that. After a while he bade me goodbye, and the receptionist came in with a blankie and a cuppa tea. Lovely. The whole thing went very smoothly, and the ute felt absolutely fine afterwards. No irritable uterus, aggro cervix, or anything of that nature. My body co-operated for once, and it was plain sailing. (Isn’t it weird how we worry when things go too smoothly though? – there must be something wrong – I am still waiting for the catch – how terribly cynical and IF-ish of me!)
After the obligatory half an hour lie-down, I went back to work. When I got there I gave Debs a great big bear hug. (Missed her stacks) We had coffee and caught up on all the news. Oh, BTW, news just in: Tertia Albertyn is pregnant. Naturally, no less. Who’da thunk it?
So here I am back in that same old familiar place: the two week wait. Good times. Good times…

Note: I am starting a suggestion list of things to do whilst 2ww’ing – I am fresh out of ideas! You may send all suggestions to this post, and I will publish them for all the other 2ww’ers out there who are at an equal loss of anything useful to do!

Cape Town – IUI #3

First and foremost – a HUGE congratulations to Sara from Somewhat Lower for her BFP! Round of applause everyone! I have been following her cycle closely, and I am so so delighted for her.

On the IF front, we arrived in Cape Town yesterday for a week’s holiday (and to watch my dad and the Hoff do the Argus). This coincided with my CD5 scan. Luckily for me I have been to an IF doc in just about every town here, so I had a standby guy to do the scan. Dr H (yes, Tertia’s Dr. H!) checked for cysts – got the all clear. Already a couple of follies growing, so things are looking good. One big one, and a little cluster of secondaries on both ovaries. I got my first Gonal F injection – STABBED rather unceremoniously into my stomach. I have to have one every second day until day 9, and I rather proudly told the doc that the Hoff would be doing all my injections. He raised his one eyebrow (“Bold and the Beautiful” suspicious look) and said in his thick Belgian accent, “Vhy, iss khee a doktorr or sumzing?” I said no, but he knows how to do it. So the doc explained how to mix the various little vials together and we were on our merry way, R1760 later. (South African currency – Rands)

Spent the evening with the fam. Very pregnant but lovely SIL and brother popped in to say hi. Almost as pregnant sister popped in just before that. And guess what: I was fine. I feel fine. Happy. Positive. Like, my turn will come, and why waste time being sad when I can be happy in the meantime. I’m in a really good place. And I’m in Cape Town, which helps. Looking out of the window at the mountains, and the little squirrels scurrying around in the shade of the grand oak tree outside, one can’t help but feel good.