I was reading through my old posts today, laughing, crying and feeling terribly nostalgic. I realized that I really miss the IF community and I also really miss writing here.
Blogging was such an outlet for me in so many ways. I love writing and being creative and it always brought me such great pleasure recreating the events of my life for my online friends to share.
I really wanted to start blogging again but wasn’t sure where to start, so I guess I’ll start here and see what happens. I know many of my old blogger buddies have gone on to have their babies, or adopted children into their families and perhaps some, like me, just drifted away.
It has been almost 5 long years since our last failed IVF. After the IF rollercoaster we had been on, I think I was just spent emotionally and financially. I wanted to be “normal” again and not have to spend every waking moment thinking about not being a mother.
So I stopped everything related to TTC and just started living. Except that I wasn’t really living. I was in some sort of strange limbo, hoping that if I stopped thinking about it all, maybe something miraculous would happen. So, basically and indirectly I was still thinking about it.
I have just turned 37 and still no children. Wow, that is hard to see written out. I feel older but only slightly wiser.
And I seem to have lost the ability to write a decent blog post.
Oh, well. Stay tuned – maybe it’ll improve 🙂
The last couple of posts on this blog have not published properly so this is a test to make sure it is still working….
Well there’s a novel title for an IF blog post! (insert dry laughter here)
A family member (it always is) is pregnant again by accident (no surprises here)
How do I feel? The same as ever (predictably).
This is the post I wrote last week Wednesday – was having trouble with my laptop so didn’t get to posting it:
The reason Harry and Sally have been so quiet is simply that they are no longer with us. When they slipped away I cannot be sure, but I started bleeding today and got confirmation through a negative beta. To tell you the truth I conned myself that this cycle had worked but I had none of the symptoms of my first “pregnancy” – I just put it down to each time being different. In hind sight though, I think I knew. It’s amazing what we will lead ourselves to believe in the name of hope.
I am truly sick and tired of this, and I don’t know that I could do it again. To top all that, I have developed some kind of infection due to the immune suppression with IVIg and that is making me feel like death.
In light of all this I’m sure you’ll forgive the flat nature of this post. I am not at my best right now. I am angry, frustrated, disappointed and upset. What the hell is wrong with my body? What is wrong with me?
Rest In Peace Harry and Sally, two of my many bubbles of hope that never came to be. 😦
As you may be able to tell, I was not happy writing this post. I am feeling a little better now. It’s time for a rest, to celebrate Christmas and put this year behind us. Next year will bring it’s own set of challenges I am sure, but I am not getting into that now. Now is a time for rest and reflection to revive the spirits and rekindle the faith that I will have a family someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
It’s been quiet this side. No sign of Harry or Sally. And yes, I have been obsessing. I have been doing the whole positive affirmation thing too, but in between that, mostly obsessing.
This morning I woke up to AF cramps which I was not happy about, and they subsequently went away. My ute has been feeling a little crampy on and off the whole day though. Nothing to start fireworks, but kind of a dull feeling. I am wishing, nay, praying that it is not the dreaded she-who-shall-not-be-named.
I have a slight headache as well, and feeling a little “feverish” but that I will put down to a really loooooooong day at work.
I have been a little lazy with the water drinking, probably getting in about a litre or so. That might also explain the headache.
Can’t I use that tazer machine thingy on Star Trek and beam myself into next week Thursday? Do I have to live through next few days? Surely not. Surely NOT.
One more of my little bubbles stopped growing last night and this morning another was not looking good.
I arrived at the clinic 15 minutes late (you always wait about an hour anyway) and there was quite a commotion as nurses ran around looking for me. When we finally found each other I was instructed to start drinking water as fast as possible and marched off to Dr V for an embryo update with a polystyrene cup in each hand. (I still wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about)
When I got in there Dr. V said that he was really happy that I’d arrived because one of my embies had started hatching and needed a womb pronto! Two of them survived and were doing outrageously well. I rushed off downstairs and donned the sexy white nightgowns and blue smurf booties and was ordered to down another 3 glasses of water.
I rushed into the theatre and about ten minutes later I emerged with two babies-to-be safely tucked away. As I was walking out the embryologist came up to me and told me what excellent embies I have and her final word was “One of them has to stick!” I promised to let her know, and then rushed off to empty the tsunami building in my bladder.
I have decided to call them Harry and Sally – Hopefully one of them will emerge looking like Meg Ryan 🙂
And so we wait.