4th and final beta

Beta 30.5.  (Like the .5 makes any difference at all).

My very short lived pregnancy is finally coming to an end.  I was given the facts and the figures, and yet I hung on.  And now it’s over.  The numbers don’t lie, unfortunately.  And staring hard at the lab results doesn’t change them, I discovered.  Wondering if they mixed your test up with someone elses doesn’t, either.  The HCG is dropping and my sweet little embryo (fetus?) really is giving up the fight now.  I feel strangely alone.

Things I am Grateful for:

1. I can actually conceive, albeit with some a lot of assistance.

2. I never got to scan stage. No D&C for me.

3.  We will try again. Soon.

4.  My friends and family (near and far), fellow bloggers: those I know, and those whose names have appeared in my comments for the first time. 

5.  Prayer.  It got me through this very trying time.

Things I am sad about:

1.  Having to do another IVF.

2.  Not ever having seen my “baby”. Not even a heartbeat.

3.  Knowing that there was nothing I could do to save him/her.

4.  Waiting two whole months until we start again.

5.  Having to phone the Hoff and give him the bad news, as well as the rest of my family, who have all been holding their breaths right alongside me.

Today it is raining in my heart.  But with rain comes renewal, and clearer, more intense blue skies.  I am really looking forward to that. Really.

Updated:

My “baby” was not yet a fetus, I found this wonderful description on www.babycenter.com of more or less where I am:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks


Click to enlarge

How your baby’s growing:

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby’s organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she’ll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.

Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby’s red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.

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25 thoughts on “4th and final beta

  1. Elize says:

    Hi Mands,

    I’m so heartsore for you! I’ve been logging on all morning anxious for an update. ((((HUGS)))). I like that you have things that you’re sad about and things that you’re grateful for, it gives me some perspective, which I so often lack. You and DH are in my prayers.

  2. Chantel says:

    Hi Mands,
    Remember that you are not standing alone in the rain, we are all there with you and praying for a rainbow soon. Take time out to mourn your little ones.
    Just know that I am thinking of you.
    Lots of love

  3. Sara says:

    I’m so sad to hear that your little embryo is losing the fight. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself during this difficult time.

  4. Bea says:

    I am so sorry it’s over, but yes, glad it was a relatively simple ending, as you said. And glad it can happen for you at all. You certainly are trying to see some good points here. Don’t be too brave – there’s a time for all the feelings you’re going to go through.

    Bea

  5. Samantha says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your dropping betas. I have been there before. I am glad that this has given you some hope for the future, but in the meantime take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

  6. mom says:

    I am so sad and also glad that there are things we know,
    that very soon a little embryo will start to grow,
    remember GOD’S word and the promise he made
    that he will prune the vine to bear good fruit as we
    continue to pray – ((((hugs and loves)))))

  7. Hi Mands

    My thoughts and prayers are with you on this incredibly difficult journey. I hope you are rewarded and blessed as I was after our miscarriages. Keep the faith and just take every day as it comes – so much can change from one month to the next!

    We are praying and hoping for you !

  8. Farah says:

    Mands- my heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry

  9. Debbie says:

    I am so sad too. I’m so sorry we have to go through this heart wrenching struggle. We will get through this Mands….we will.

    ((HUGS))

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  11. JJ says:

    Im sorry the beta did not go up…you have been on my mind…please know I am praying for you!

  12. I am so sorry Mands. My heart just aches for you. Please know that my prayers are with you. Hugs.

  13. Artblog says:

    SHIT! Sorry isnt even good enough in a situation like this! You’re a strong woman to be listing the things your grateful for as well as the ones your not. I hope this stengtth continues for when your ready to try again.

    HUGS my friend

    XXXXX

  14. Bumble says:

    Oh Mands, I’m so sorry, and so very sad for you right now. Don’t try to be too brave, it will take a very long time until you don’t think about it every minute of the day, but we all know your little one was here, and will be again. We won’t forget. Look after yourselves, thinking of you from afar xxx

  15. fromheretomaternity says:

    I’m so sorry Mands, I had hoped things would have turned out better for you. It’s just not fair.

  16. elizabeth says:

    oh how heartbreaking. So sad for you.

  17. Jackie says:

    Mands, I’m sorry to read about your beta. I hope that your next cycle brings a strong doubling beta and all the good things that can come with it!

  18. Kristen says:

    I’m heartbroken for you. Just so so sorry. It doesn’t matter if your baby was a fetus or embryo – it was your baby. And it hurts just as much.

    Thinking of you and praying for peace to find you. XOXO

  19. Janice says:

    So sorry Mands, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  20. christina says:

    i am sooooo sorry. that sucks. i wish i knew of something to make it better, but of course, i do not. really, no one does.

    thinking of you.
    xoxoxo

  21. Leigh says:

    Sorry Mands…

  22. Schatzi says:

    Oh Mands, I am so, so sorry.

  23. Leah says:

    I’m so, so sorry. You are amazing to be able to find positives in the midst of this sorrow. Hang in there, I’ll be praying for you.

  24. Delenn says:

    So sorry. But glad to see you are going to try again.

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