It is with a huge amount of trepidation that I find myself here again.
To tell you the truth I don’t know what to say or where to start. It was a lot easier not being here. It felt normal and good. Life went back to the way it should be except for the glaring fact that we are still childless.
I can’t escape the harsh truth, can I? No matter how far I try to run, or how much other “stuff” I crowd into my life, the fact remains.
I’m okay you know. Just a little hesitant. I would rather forget all the hard stuff. Problem is, that as long I persue the fantastical notion of having children, I am forced to remember. I am compelled to come back here and address all my fears, worries, and pain.
It’s just that I would really rather not.
See? This is why I love you guys! I don’t show for a month (nearly) and you still stop by to say “hi”. You’re lucky I’m on stims now, or there’d be a whole lot of mascara everywhere! :0)
So, where do I begin. There is so much to say and my mind is so blank. Well, firstly, let me start by saying that Lucrin (Lupron) seems to get WORSE with each passing cycle (even though this is only round 2!). My moods were decidedly low, and yes, a little psychotic in places… I cried about 3 times (in one week) – once in the toilets at work! I hated my job and wanted to leave the country… And then I started stims… and life was worth living again. Just about. The other thing is that the Hoff went away for 2 days on a team build, and I had to mix my own drugs! By the end of the first one, I was nauseous and sweating, and by the second I was shooting ’em up like I’d been doing it all my life. (Right!) I am going in for a scan on Monday to check out the follies, and then we’ll see from there. I am feeling very positive (now that the Lucrin has been silenced somewhat). Watch this space…
In other big news, we are finally living in darkest Africa. Literally. Our government has overlooked the fact that our really fast growing economy may need some additional infrastructure, including more electricity. So now we are “over-using” by 2500MW per day, and they have to cut down by doing what they call “load-shedding” Every day, at a(roughly) scheduled time, our lights go off. For about 3-4 hours. First at work, then at home. No lights, TV, food, NOTHING. Just oursleves and the dark. What this means is that I lose about 3 – 4 hours of productive work time every day, and then go home and sit in the dark, losing about 2-3 hours of prime TV / blogging time! Traffic time has doubled because none of the traffic lights work in the affected areas. (Johannesburg’s traffic has been likened to that of New York or London on a good day when the lights are working!) It is heinous, people, and there is sweet nothing to be done about it. I was thinking,
“How the hell are we meant to have kids in these conditions?”
and, “What do other people with kids do?”
“How can you keep kids entertained, fed, warm, safe, etc. in the DARK?”
More importantly, “Will my embryo’s be safe in the lab when the darkness descends? Can I sue if they are not?”
(Sidenote: Suing hasn’t really caught on in this country, but I think that may be about to change, along with our National Anthem, which will now start, “Hello darkness my old friend”!)
So the Hoff and I went out and bought a petrol generator. This thing is loud enough to wake the dead, and only has enough juice to keep the telly, a light or two, and the kettle going. Nevertheless… it is a (very loud) means to an end.
And that is my bizarre, but very true story.
So I am sitting here, listening to JJ’s mixed CD – it’s really relaxing… That girl can sing! I heard a rumour that she has a Christmas CD for sale at her blog – I recommend you go and check it out. I certainly will.
I am just waiting on old aunt “F” to pitch up and then I am off for my CD2 scan. I am thinking I may put off IVF 2 until the beginning of January though… Don’t want to be shooting up Lucrin on holiday! That’s no fun! So we’ll see what the doc finds in there… and take him on his advice.
Mentally, emotionally I am doing much much better. I am actually really looking forward to my next attempt, and I have an unusual amount of hope and confidence in number 2. I know that will probably all dissolve with the first Lucrin shot 🙂 but I am going to revel in it for now.
All around me are pregnant family, friends and acquaintances, and yet, somehow, I am okay. I have put my biochemical behind me, and I feel free to try again. I will never forget that brief period of amazement, terror, disbelief and grief, as my body began to manifest a pregnancy and then for that to slip away. That baby will always be in my heart. Even though it was just a tiny little flicker of life. It was my tiny flicker, if only for a moment.
The one family member that I mentioned was pregnant, is having a hard time. She has been spotting and has not seen a fetal pole. I hope that her appointment on Thursday goes really well, and that there is no cause for concern. Just when I had made peace enough to phone her to congratulate her, she told me about the problems and the worry she has been experiencing, and I was touched. My heart went out to her as I listened to her fears and her uncertainty about her pregnancy. I wish only a strong and healthy pregnancy for her, and that she not have to come down this road that we are currently floundering on. Best of luck, hon. I am praying for you, as you prayed for me. You know who you are.
Debs is going for beta on Thursday, and she admitted to a bit of nausea today, though she did try to dismiss it. I am hoping that it is not nothing… but a little something that has settled in for the next nine months. We will find out on Thursday!
My next post (if I remember) will be the story of the “conception” of my blog. This was JJ’s idea, and I think it’s wonderful to acknowledge those who led us into the blogosphere, into a whole new world of friendship and support. But that’s another post for another day. Nighty night, all.
Well it looks like I am well and truly back in the loop here. Thanks again for not forsaking me 🙂
So moving right along, here are 8 arbitrary things about me, as I have been tagged by one of my favourite writers, Sticky Bun:
1. When I eat chocolate, I suck it so that it lasts longer. This used to drive my sister crazy when we were kids, because she always ate hers like a normal person, leaving me to savour mine long after hers was gone! The truth of the matter is that I can’t really eat a lot of chocolate (it makes me sick) but it was fun upsetting her like that!
2. I was named after the song “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. My grandfather was driving my mom to the hospital on the night of my birth, and that song was playing on the “Hit Parade”. He asked my mom to name the baby Mandy if it was a girl.
3. I am terrified of falling. This fear came to me when I was about 12 or so. We were at a soccer match down the coast, and I was exploring the surrounding area. There was a little wooden swing bridge, which I started to cross, but was gripped by the most terrible fear, sat down on the bridge, and froze. I have been afraid of heights and falling ever since.
4. My eyes were operated on when I was three – I had a really bad squint. Then about three years ago I had Lasik to correct my near-sightedness. Now it looks like my squint might be coming back! When I am tired or have been reading too much, my right eye pulls skew!
5. I dance like a crazy woman when I’m home alone. I’ll put on M.TV or my I.pod really loud, and then dance like a maniac, scaring the dogs and probably the neighbours. I convince myself that I am a really good dancer, which is so far from the truth (The dancing is usually accompanied by some really loud, really bad singing.) Even at the ripe old age of 30, I like to let it all hang out, so to speak.
6. The first boy I ever loved was Jason Cummings. He was a blond haired, blue eyed angel, two years older than me when I was 10. I sent him a love note with some Smarties (candy coated chocolate drops) in an envelope. He read the note, crumpled it up, and ate the Smarties. He crumpled up my tender little 10 year old heart as well. Apparently, it’s not cool for 12 year olds to date 10 year olds. *sigh* The second boy was Trevor Halstead, who went on to become a pretty well known rugby player.
7. My best friend Amanda was killed when hit by a car when I was 16. She had been out all night, and crossed the highway to get home quicker, but it was a blind corner, and she didn’t see it coming. She died of internal injuries. It was the saddest day of my short life. I still think about her, and feel very sad that she is not here experiencing all the wonders of life.
8. When I was little I stayed with my grandparents. I called my grandfather Baloo, and he called me Mowgli. (He was big and cuddly, and I was a skinny little thing!) I would run around the place scratching under my arms and screeching “ooh ooh ooh” Like a monkey! Uh huh. Strange, I know.
I tag these eight people:
Tam – Peanuts Journey
Bumble – Me, The Bumble Bee
Debs – Venusuvian Debs
Bea – Infertile Fantasies
Nicole – Just Crazy Enough to Try
Debbie – Infertility Blog
Dawn – NearlyDawn
The Oneliner – The Oneliner
This tagging business is hard to keep track of – so if you’ve been repeat tagged by me, apologies in advance! If you have not yet responded to your tag – well then you’re it! Again!