I was reading through my old posts today, laughing, crying and feeling terribly nostalgic. I realized that I really miss the IF community and I also really miss writing here.
Blogging was such an outlet for me in so many ways. I love writing and being creative and it always brought me such great pleasure recreating the events of my life for my online friends to share.
I really wanted to start blogging again but wasn’t sure where to start, so I guess I’ll start here and see what happens. I know many of my old blogger buddies have gone on to have their babies, or adopted children into their families and perhaps some, like me, just drifted away.
It has been almost 5 long years since our last failed IVF. After the IF rollercoaster we had been on, I think I was just spent emotionally and financially. I wanted to be “normal” again and not have to spend every waking moment thinking about not being a mother.
So I stopped everything related to TTC and just started living. Except that I wasn’t really living. I was in some sort of strange limbo, hoping that if I stopped thinking about it all, maybe something miraculous would happen. So, basically and indirectly I was still thinking about it.
I have just turned 37 and still no children. Wow, that is hard to see written out. I feel older but only slightly wiser.
And I seem to have lost the ability to write a decent blog post.
Oh, well. Stay tuned – maybe it’ll improve 🙂
The last couple of posts on this blog have not published properly so this is a test to make sure it is still working….
Well there’s a novel title for an IF blog post! (insert dry laughter here)
A family member (it always is) is pregnant again by accident (no surprises here)
How do I feel? The same as ever (predictably).
It is with a huge amount of trepidation that I find myself here again.
To tell you the truth I don’t know what to say or where to start. It was a lot easier not being here. It felt normal and good. Life went back to the way it should be except for the glaring fact that we are still childless.
I can’t escape the harsh truth, can I? No matter how far I try to run, or how much other “stuff” I crowd into my life, the fact remains.
I’m okay you know. Just a little hesitant. I would rather forget all the hard stuff. Problem is, that as long I persue the fantastical notion of having children, I am forced to remember. I am compelled to come back here and address all my fears, worries, and pain.
It’s just that I would really rather not.
This is the post I wrote last week Wednesday – was having trouble with my laptop so didn’t get to posting it:
The reason Harry and Sally have been so quiet is simply that they are no longer with us. When they slipped away I cannot be sure, but I started bleeding today and got confirmation through a negative beta. To tell you the truth I conned myself that this cycle had worked but I had none of the symptoms of my first “pregnancy” – I just put it down to each time being different. In hind sight though, I think I knew. It’s amazing what we will lead ourselves to believe in the name of hope.
I am truly sick and tired of this, and I don’t know that I could do it again. To top all that, I have developed some kind of infection due to the immune suppression with IVIg and that is making me feel like death.
In light of all this I’m sure you’ll forgive the flat nature of this post. I am not at my best right now. I am angry, frustrated, disappointed and upset. What the hell is wrong with my body? What is wrong with me?
Rest In Peace Harry and Sally, two of my many bubbles of hope that never came to be. 😦
As you may be able to tell, I was not happy writing this post. I am feeling a little better now. It’s time for a rest, to celebrate Christmas and put this year behind us. Next year will bring it’s own set of challenges I am sure, but I am not getting into that now. Now is a time for rest and reflection to revive the spirits and rekindle the faith that I will have a family someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later.