Four Holed Belly Monster

That’s what Debs called me in an sms yesterday… and that is what I feel like. I had the lap done on Tuesday after my trip to Cape Town. Now I am hobbling around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I am having one of those “Why must it be so hard for me and so easy for other people” days.

I am frustrated that this is my 3rd lap in as many years. I am frustrated that the other two came to nought. I am tired of this game, tired of scars with nothing to show for them. But mostly, I am tired of being tired. I know that this is temporary and that I am just feeling sorry for myself but dammit I think I am entitled to a little self pity now and again.

The Hoff and I have always lived as if we were about to start a family. Whenever we have moved, it has been into a 3 bedroom house (one for us, one for guests, and of course – one for the “baby”). Now we have bought a two bedroom house, because, well – there are no babies to speak of – nor have there been for the last ten years that we have been married. It’s not that we have given up, it’s just that we have resigned ourselves to the fact that for now, we only need two rooms. I have never felt so close to success, but it’s almost like we have had to “go back to begin” in Monopoly speak. And you know what it’s like to be sent back to the start of the game, it’s really frustrating.

Anyway, I am just waffling now. My left ovary is badly scarred and stuck down. The right one is “reasonable” in the doctor’s own words. I have been advised to commence IVF on my next cycle.

I am really trying to be positive about all of this, but I guess being stabbed in the stomach four times might be a bit of a mood killer. I hope to be back to myself by the next post. Thank you for listening.


T-w-o W-e-e-k W-a-i-t. . . . .

Was the Two Week Wait always this long? Phew! I don’t remember it being this long. I will know by next Friday whether this cycle worked or not, because my cycles are accurate almost to the minute. Ne-e-e-e-xt Friday! It feels like a lifetime away.

BTW, previously mentioned Fertile Friend is not pregnant. Whatever. I, being of the infertile persuasion, would be a lot more cautious about telling anyone if I thought I might be pregnant. But that’s just me. Oversensitive. Overcautious. But don’t worry, ’cause I’m over it. Moving on…
On the upside, people in the blogosphere are falling pregnant left, right, and centre. Twins popping out of all the crevices now. Someone also seeing my BFG has also just given birth to a baby girl after IUI (not sure how many, two or three). For these people I am bursting out of my skin with joy and elation. No, really. I am. I am always happy when fellow-IF’s finally make it across the chasm. I will state, however, that hearing about so many in such a short space of time does take it’s toll. I go from really overjoyed, tearful, elated to – quite happy to – um, that’s nice to – okay that’s about as many pregnant people as I can handle for one week thanks!
Seriously, though, it is wonderful and very encouraging. (I mean it!)

I am going to Cape Town in just over a week, to watch the Hoff and my dad do the Argus Cycle Race. It is the biggest timed cycle race in the world, and a first for my dad. I am very proud of him, as it’s 100 or so km’s of mountainous Cape terrain, and I know he’s been training his butt off. Literally. Anyone who has ever done a cycle race will know exactly what I mean.
Anyway, the bonus is that I get to spend time with all my family who live down there. (Mom, Dad, Brother & Wife, Sister & Husband & Niece, Other Brother.)
However: This does pose a small problem or two..
If this cycle fails, I can do another in March, but I am going to be in Cape Town for, like, a whole week. From CD 6 to CD 13. Hmmmm. I do know a doc down there who could do the scans etc. so that problem can be fixed.
The other problem is that I will most likely be on injectables which may turn me into… mwahahhahahaaaaaa…. Eeeeevil…. Yikes! I turn evil just thinking about it! It also happens to be the baby shower of my SIL, who I love very much and really want to be there for. This is the one baby shower that I have not broken into a cold sweat over, as it is my baby brother (23) and his gorgeous, lovely, dutch wife. I am worried about how I will be on the injectables though. I may morph into a green slimey foaming at the mouth monster from the dark side, at the mere mention of a baby. Or a shower. Not a pleasant mental image, I know.
Soooooo… I was thinking of taking a breather in March to avoid this whole dilemma, but then it’s another whole month of NOTHING. Not sure I can deal with that either.
What to do.. What to do..
Then there’s the financial side of things. Doing an IUI with injectables in March will be more expensive than the cycles we’ve just done with Clomid. We racked up the debt a little over Christmas, and felt all footloose and fancy free about money while it was the holidays. Two slow business months and two IUI’s into the New Year, and we are a bit poorer than expected. What I’m saying is that we could probably use a break, but I am not hellishly keen on it. I could subscribe to Richard Branson’s mantra: “Screw it. Let’s Do It!” and worry about the money thing afterwards. I have spent 5 years procrastinating and it got me nowhere. I am not happy about wasting any more time than is absolutely necessary. There is the whole endometriosis thing as well. It could be lurking around my insides waiting to pounce! If I leave things for too long, it will mean lapscope 3 for sure. (No Snoopy dancing going on here.)
I think we should just go ahead and do it. At best, I’ll be preggers by April, at worst, I’ll be prepping for the big daddy of IF treatment.
As for the family, hopefully they’ll read my link to Tertia’s “How to be Good Friends with an Infertile”, and embrace the slimey-green-frothy version of me. It will be for a good cause.

More wizards and wonder…

My second wizard of infertility was Doc GC. He was a placid creature who always ran about 4 hours behind schedule. He was a run-of-the-mill gynae, who dabbled in a bit of ART. He did a couple of scans, one post coital, and announced that I seemed to have endometriosis, and would be needing a laparoscopy. (I had no symptoms of Endometriosis, other than not being able to conceive.) This is a day procedure where either two or three incisions are made into the lower abdomen, for instruments and cameras to be inserted. The offending tissue is removed (ablated) and voila! problem solved.
I went for the lapscope, and the Doc found and removed stage II endometriosis on the left ovary, which had begun to fuse to my pelvis. The left ovary had some scarring as a result.
He also said that most women fall pregnant right after their lapscope, ususally because of the D&C that is done at the same time. The lapscope came and went, months passed and still nothing. When I went to see him again, he said that the problem was probably with DH and that there was very little that could be done about that. He suggested GIFT as an option.
I was getting very despondent and decided to seek another opinion.
I went to my third wizard, Doc M. He was a foreigner, and a lovely man. After examining me he proclaimed that it would be impossible to feed his children with such healthy patients as myself, and that I would have many many children very soon.
He put me onto a low dose af Clomid, and when that did not work, he suggested I go to a fertility clinic. I want to thank him for not wasting my time further.
To cut a long story short, I went to a well known fertlity clinic in Johannesburg. After extensive blood tests, semen analysis’ and scans, I went for lapscope 2, DH was put onto a strict diet plan and we were told to give it 6 months more. The doc was convinced we would not need fertility treatment.
After 6 months, we returned, did another post coital, the endometriosis had not returned. In the meantime I had done a stress management course through the clinic, and DH carried on with his diet and pills regime.
We were told to give it another 6 months, and this was June last year.
I was watching telly one sunday evening, and Carte Blanche was doing a story on Tertia Albertyn. I was horrified to hear that she had done 9 IVF’s before having her two beautiful children. Suddenly terror crept in and I started to panic. Would I ever have children?
After five years of trying and failing, I had reached the end of my rope. DH and I decided it was now or never. And that is what brings me (almost) to the end of my first IUI cycle.