Diamonds in the Rough

It has taken me a while to come to terms with IVF 1.  I am finally in an okay place about that.  I have realised that I actually grieved my early miscarriage and had all the accompanying emotions.  First, sadness.  Then Anger.  Disbelief followed that. And finally, acceptance.  I still feel a pang every now and then.  That is to be expected. 

In the meantime, there have been two pregnancy announcements in my family.  Both unplanned (obviously), one a bit of a shock.  After those two pregnancies were announced so soon after my biochemical pregnancy, I felt like I was being flung into a nightmare from which there was no escape.  Like some kind of horror movie where I am not allowed to cover my eyes in the scary parts. Just as you find courage when facing fears you never thought you could face, I discovered a strength in me that I never knew I had, and have been able to overcome those feelings. Feelings like hurt, jealousy, anger, resentment and pure despair.  It’s no-one else’s fault that I feel these things:  they only serve to highlight feelings that were there all along. 

We, those of us battling fertility problems, can’t afford to be weak, and to give up.  We have to be tenacious, to keep trying despite ourselves, and always hope.  My friend made a comment to me a few days ago that I have changed from all of this.  She was mourning the “old” me.  I was a bit hurt by this comment, but later realised that she was partly right.  Only, the old me is alive and well.  The old me is still here, but with many new facets, like a rough stone that has been cut and polished.  The value of that stone is much greater once it becomes a diamond.  But don’t forget where that diamond came from.  We are all diamonds, shaped by our tragedies, misfortunes and our will to keep going.  We are still the same stones, but we have been transformed, our diamond cutter’s name: Infertility.

I am proud of who I am and the things I have become.  I may not always be cheerful and carefree, but I am still me.  I may not always jump with glee at the news of someone else’s pregnancy, but deep down I still wish them well, and feel happy for them to experience all the things that I long for.  I may cry, but out of those tears comes empathy, and determination that I never had before. I  love more deeply, cry harder, have a profound appreciation, and my heart has grown to accommodate all of those I have met along the way.  I don’t wish infertility on my worst enemy, but wish that they knew some of the unlikely gifts that it has given to me.

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14 thoughts on “Diamonds in the Rough

  1. Farah says:

    i just think that this post is Most excellent!! You are truly a diamond! What a great analogy

  2. From Here To Maternity says:

    I think you’re terrific Mands. You’re right about the diamond analogy, and I’m sure your many facets make you the beautiful person that you are.

  3. Kristen says:

    This is a beautiful analogy. I often beat myself up for not being the same person I was 2-3 years ago but the truth is that I am the same person – just molded a little differently.

    XOXO

  4. Elize says:

    Thanks for a wonderful post! You’ve really touched my heart. I really needed to read this! Thank you. It’s often easier to think about giving up, but like you said we can’t afford to. ((((HUGS))))

  5. Bea says:

    Love this post. I’m so glad you can like who you are now. And I’m glad you’re over the worst of the grief.

    Bea

  6. Hear Hear ! and as my hubby said to me “infertility’s not for sissies”
    but I do hope that we don’t need to grow any stronger !! 🙂
    Thinking of you….

  7. Sarah says:

    this is exactly why, terrifying as IVF is, others who’ve been though this same transformation tell you it’s really not so bad once you get to a certain point. unfortunately you can only get to that point the hard way. welcome to the club. i’m sorry you have to be here, but glad to say it does get easier (momentary setbacks aside-and do allow yourself those).

  8. Mary Ellen says:

    Beautiful post Mands. Just beautiful.

  9. Artblog says:

    So true, so very true and beautifully said! Proud of you 🙂 XXX

  10. Katie says:

    Oh, your post made me cry. It was just beautiful. You deserve your baby(ies) so much, and I can’t wait to watch you revel in that.

  11. Sticky Bun says:

    Mands–I’m so sorry to have been absent! I had your old blog on bloglines so missed all of these updates. And now I see my timing couldn’t have been any worse. I’m so sorry for your loss and for everything that’s going on.

    And, this is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing, and know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you peace.

  12. luna says:

    I found this through La Creme of 2007 and just love the sentiment. It’s true our life tragedies shape who we become. And it can be powerful when we are able to use these life experiences for positive transformation, even if unintentionally. To recognize the strength and profound emotion and compassion that comes with any loss or struggle such as infertility is a beautiful thing. Thanks for the lovely post. ~luna

  13. Well said! (Here via the Creme.)

  14. Jen says:

    You put this so well. You made me realize how much this has all changed me and how I am becoming a deeper person through it.

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