Yoohoo, AF.. Where are you?

Wow, this really is ironic. First, I go onto the pill (HAHAHAHA) and then I really look forward to my period starting. Only thing is… when you don’t want it, it rears it’s ugly head, and when you do want it (like, never) it doesn’t show! It is nowhere to be found!

I guess I’ll do what I’ve been doing all along… hurry up and wait.

On a slightly different topic, I was watching Oprah recently (surprise) and it was all about “The Secret”. About focusing on the positive in a situation instead of on the negative. I gave this a lot of thought, and decided to do just that. So although I still need to update the artwork, my blog title is no longer “The Secret Garden – Infertility”, but “The Secret Garden, my journey into Motherhood”. You like? I like.

The Lucrin is coming along, no real problems so far. I am still having a lot of internal dialogue, but trying not to lose grip on reality. Once you venture down that road, there’s no coming back…

I just really wish my Ol‘ Aunty would pitch up. Sooner rather than later would be nice.

Please go and give Chanti some support. Chanti is a fellow South African, she just got 5 eggs retrieved., and is hoping for some nice healthy embies to transfer in the next few days.

The Stash

The headache is gone, and today was a good day. Felt a bit woozy, but other than that, pretty great. I only have one bruise on my tum, and that’s where the nurse stabbed me, and then the Hoff stabbed me on the exact same place. And I mean STAB! He looked like something out of a fifties horror movie wielding that syringe! (Cue scary ching! ching! ching! music that goes with repeated stabbing of the girl with the big breasts) And that would be me; ever since starting the pill, I look like a Baywatch babe (not).

I promised photo evidence, so here it is ladies and gentlemen:

My personal collection of vitamins, minerals, and Parlodel…

….and my “stash”…

Pretty impressive hey? Enough to keep me in a fog for fourteen days… The three on the left have already been used. I am feeling pretty disconnected from this whole process, it is quite surreal. Which explains why I am handling it so well. Actually, I am waiting for the penny to drop, but not inviting it. If I can get through this feeling the way I do now, I’ll be really pleased. (Though somehow, I doubt it… – especially if and when I reach the dreaded 2ww) But hey, that is then and this is now, and I think it’s best to make hay while the sun shines, don’t you?

Before I go, I would like to send my heartfelt congratulations to Karen and Seth at My Perky Ovaries, who very recently welcomed three bouncing babies into the world. Head on over and take a peek…

and one last thing, I got this off Caro’s blog – she is now about 8 or 9 weeks as far as I know…

You Are a Cappuccino

You’re fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new. However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like. You are a total girly girly at heart – and prefer your coffee with good conversation. You’re the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

Shootin’ up a storm

So after a seemingly never-ending round of BCP’s, September 18th finally rolled around. And it was over with in a heartbeat.

I went in. Spoke to the nurse. She stabbed me in the stomach and charged me R900 for more of the same! I was feeling a bit weird after the first Lucrin shot, and got this disgustingly bitter taste in my mouth, but other than that, nothing major. Today I actually felt fantastic… until about six o’clock. That’s when the headache set in, and it is here to stay.

So far I am feeling quite good, not exactly optimistic, but not entirely pessimistic, either. I am trying to keep positive, but very scared to let hope in the door. Yes, I have started daydreaming again… Picturing myself in the mirror, rubbing my swollen tummy… laying under the trees on a picnic blanky with “The Embryo That Could”. (Okay, that was a bit weird! But you get my meaning…) At the same time I realise how very dangerous this type of thinking can be. Damnit.

Also, I have been keeping up with my mandatory 50 gajillion litres of water per day, and I must tell you that my skin is definitely thanking me. My bladder is using abusive four lettered hate words. It is a good kick start on the whole “living more healthily” angle that I have ranted about in the recent past. Plus the nurse says it gives my ovaries a fighting chance. And I’m all for that!

I still have to post the obligatory show of needles, but I am too tired and headachey to lay them all out, so you may just get a photo of the bucket which they came in 🙂 Oh, all right, I’ll lay them out all fancy! Don’t beg! It’s actually not that impressive because I don’t have the Menopur shots yet, so this will be like a preview, really. (Watch this space)

From the not-so-secret Garden, that’s all I have to report right now. You know what they say: “No news is good news.”

You so fat…

Your belt size reads “EQUATOR!”

I have just read JJ’s post about her gynae appointment, and her weight gain from the infertility process, and I must admit that I have been having the same thoughts myself recently. (Like, last night).

I was standing in the bathroom in my nickers, brushing my teeth, when I did a double take at what I saw staring back at me. I don’t know how this happened, but I went from having an okay figure, to being shapeless. No waistline, I look about 4 months preggo, my butt is way way out there, and the cellulite… oh the cellulite. I wasn’t sure what had happened. I have felt my clothes getting tighter over the months, but I convinced myself that maybe it was something in the detergent! (or I’d say stuff like, “these jeans have just been washed, that’s why they’re a bit snug today”) Except that it happened everyday. Denial is a sneaky fiend.

I know that I haven’t done much in the way of exercise the past year (try none) and my eating habits have been less than perfect (try shocking!), but really! Surely I could not have let myself go like this and not. even. notice?

I posted about this a little while ago. I have made some slight improvements, but alas! nothing to show….

And then it hit me. (again) For the past eight months while I thought I was eating so so, and thinking that a little break from all the stress of having to exercise would do me good, I was actually morphing slowing, but ever so surely into the formless pile of human flesh that I am now.

Maybe it’s the pill talking. But I know what I saw. And it wasn’t pretty.

I am going to shy away from any grande announcement regarding this “matter”, because I know that resolutions were made to be broken. But I want the old me back. Physically. And I know that it’s going to take a lot of work considering the state I find myself in. And that scares me somewhat. But I must do something. People, we are on high alert here. This is serious. Seriously.

IVF – I’m Very Flustered – or – In Vitro Fert

That. was. a. weekend. from. hell. I fled my lapscope-follow-up appointment to get to a work meeting (that I was already 2 hours late for), and that was the start of it. I worked solidly the whole weekend, and into Monday, and today. After dropping off our two out of town associates, I went straight home, but by that time it was the end of the day anyway. So why the post-mortem, you might ask. Well, that is my long, sad, but oh so true excuse for NOT updating you on my Thursday appointment.

So here goes… As it turns out, my right ovary is looking pretty good (really, I saw photo’s). The left, not so much. I was staring at a picture that looked like a very unremarkable piece of pelvic wall, when I was told that I was, in fact, viewing what was left of my other ovary. It was quite pathetic, really. It has all but been absorbed by my own body, and, well, I can’t even say that it didn’t look good, because, it didn’t look like much of anything. My doc basically said that my best bet was IVF with immediate effect. I had already started taking the pill in anticipation of this, as well as YUMMY LOVELY SIDE EFFECT FREE (ha!) Parlodel.

My protocol is as follows:

BCP ’til CD21

Parlodel forever, increasing dosage slowly. (or until the end of the whole process)

CD18 – Lucrin up until trigger

AF – Scan & Bloods

Start Menopur (3 amps to start) CD2 0r 3 until follies are good to go

CD 6,8, onwards – bloods and scan

CD10, 11 – E2 P4 Bloods

Pregnyl Trigger

Post Trigger E2 P4 Bloods

36 – 38 hours later – Retrieval and Fertilization

Cyclogest

3 or 5 day Transfer (depending on progress of embies, hoping for 8-12 retrieved – with only one decent ovary, is that expecting too much?)

Estrapause and Cyclogest until Beta 14dpt

Is that too much information? I know this would bore a lot of you, but I thought it may interest those who are new to IVF (like moi) and those who are contemplating it.

I must admit that I felt quite emotional when I was going through the protocol with the co-ordinator. It was surprisingly overwhelming. I have waited so long for this opportunity, and I feel that this is my best shot. I am so incredibly excited at the possibility of success, and too afraid to think of failure at this point, although I am well aware of the reality of these things. If I allow myself to dwell on the “bad” statistics, I may end up on the edge of insanity again like after my 3 IUI’s. I have tried to think as if it has already worked, and hopefully this kind of thinking will hold me in good stead over the next few weeks.

Just a quick question: has anyone else taken Parlodel or any other Prolactin lowering drug? I am getting some unpleasant side effects. Also headaches, could this be the BCP’s? Every night when I take those I smile a little ironic smile to myself. Then I slug back my Parlodel with a glass of milk, and drift into a worried, excited, hopeful sleep. Nighty night all.