The Secret Garden

fam·i·ly [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] –noun

Family can also be construed as a group who have very close bonds and perhaps live under the same roof.  We might regard some of our blogging sistas as family.  Close friends, servants, even pets can be family.

This week I lost one of my family.

She came to us in the autumn of 2005.  She was no bigger than my hand, bony and shivering.  The runt of the litter, I have to admit that I had no idea what to do with such a tiny bundle of fur.

With lots of love and nurturing she grew stronger. Her little body filled out and her personality emerged.  She was in love with kitty, following her around everywhere and giving her lots of kisses.  She and Jasmine became firm friends despite their size difference.  She crept into our hearts and that is where she has remained.  She loved to be cuddled and was very affectionate.  She warmed the hearts of everyone who knew her, children and adults alike.

Being as small as she was, she could be exceptionally nervous. At least once each year she suffered a serious bout of gastro enteritus, which landed her up in hospital.  She always got better fairly quickly and life went on.

Which is why, when she got a rash on her tummy last Saturday, we didn’t worry too much.  Then her heart started to beat really hard and her face started to swell slightly.  Despite these symptoms she was her usual spritely self, chasing Jasmine around the garden and full of beans.  We took her for a check up just in case, and she was admitted for some basic treatment.  That was the last time we saw her well. 

In the days that followed, her body and face swelled to twice the size, she had to have a feeding tube, drip and a catheter to help her function.  We went and sat with her so she could sleep peacefully (knowing we were there was comforting to her) and massaged her swollen body to try and reduce the swelling.  When we said goodnight to her on Tuesday I was sure I would wake up to good news that she was on the mend and almost ready to come home.  The Hoff and I went to work as usual with a view to visiting her at lunchtime when they were finished with the blood tests.  (We figured that the more we visited her, the quicker she would heal) I got a call at about 9:30am to say that her blood pressure had dropped and she was getting cold.  We rushed back home.

Upon arriving, we were told to wait.  After about a ten minute wait, we were ushered into a room where we were told the bad news.  Our little Amber was gone.  After attempts to save her, her little body gave up and she closed her beautiful brown eyes for the last time.  Our baby had died without reasonable explanation.  When got to see her, she was lying peacefully with a blankie over her.  It looked like she was sleeping.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, leaving her there.  It just felt wrong.

Rest in peace little one - I look forward to seeing you again one day, to hold you and rub your tummy and kiss the top of your head.  You went too soon, we weren’t ready and our hearts are heavy and aching.  Our home is empty without you in it.

Amber 2005-2008

I am the gentle showers of rain;
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush;
I am in the graceful rush.

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.

I am the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

It’s been hard to think about coming here.  I have so many thoughts and none at all.  Surrogacy, adoption, donor sperm…  FET, a third IVF, life after all of this….. with a baby…. without.  It’s mind-numbing.

I finally had to face my demons on Easter Friday whilst walking through the mall looking for someplace to have breakfast.  Coming towards us from the opposite side was… wait for it… my neighbour!  And her new baby!  I choked, my chest started to close and my mouth went dry.  I cracked a sheepish smile and squeaked a hello.  And you’ll never believe it: the baby wasn’t half as scary as I had made him in my mind.  He was cute and tiny and sleeping angelically in his pram (stroller).  It was almost nice.  The weird thing is that these people are blissfully unaware of all the emotional baggage that comes with struggling for years to conceive, so the conversation was light and whimsical.  Which was fine.  Really.

On the IF front, I have re-checked my thyroid and prolactin, for a laugh.  (Still waiting on the results)  I am still undecided about the FET, and I am taking my time deciding when we will do it.  I guess you could say that I am prolonging it so I won’t have to feel sad again so soon.  Not ready for that yet.  Also, once the FET is done and dusted, and is hasn’t worked (hypothetically) I am not ready for a future with no Lucrin, stims or daily scans.  I am not ready to just fly by the seat of my pants with no big expensive Plan D, E or F in the curtains.  So I am delaying the FET for as long as possible right now. Maybe May or June or even July - when I am good and ready. 

Please pray for Charne, who got one embie and is hoping for a 5 day transfer.  Also Annie, who has lost her baby at 7 weeks.  These girls are both South African as far as I can tell, so they are my homegirls, and they both need your prayers right now. 

That’s where I have been flying lately.  I am still not sure how I am feeling about everything.  I still have not plucked up the courage to go and see my neighbour’s new baby.  I just can’t do it.  I am not good at hiding my feelings and I am afraid that if I pop over there all cooey and gooey, she will see right through me. 

As I was driving into our complex a few days ago, there were two moms sitting on the grass with their flocks of babies and toddlers around them.  When I drove through the gate one of the moms jumped up and rushed to her toddler, who was on a push bike, to usher him to the safety of the curb.  I felt a stab.  I should be sitting there too, making small talk and discussing how little sleep I get etc etc.  And yet I was in my car, driving down to my house where I would be greeted by my dogs.  I have become that woman with the dogs. 

Like I said in my previous post, I am okay.  I just have bouts of sadness.  They come and go - and then come again.  And then go again.  You get the idea.

I have halted adoption and surrogacy investigations for now.  I realised that I was gathering the troops for a war that may or may not occur.  For now I am going to focus on my impending FET (whenever that may be) and should that fail, I know I can start on plan B or C.  I have also realised that when the Hoff has had enough of IF, he switches off completely, whilst I go on a crazy baby acquiring mission.  He starts to withdraw from the process the more involved I become.  So once again I am thinking that just laying off for a while would be ideal for both of us. 

As soon as we have figured out how we will be financing the FET, we will start the proceedings.  It is fruitless for me to torment about my age and the fact that I may only have children well into my 30’s.  That just gives me a feeling of panic and impending doom.  You know how it is, you rush to fall pregnant by December, so that at least it is still in the same year.  When that doesn’t happen, you figure that at least if we conceive in January or February it’ll be a late 2008 baby.  When that doesn’t happen, you panic because the chances of having a live baby in the same year start to dwindle.  You panic because you can see another birthday looming with a barren womb, an empty home and an even emptier pocket. That’s right about where I stand at the moment, and yet I know that no amount of obsessing is going to change things. 

So we’ll take it a day at a time.  See where this crazy path leads us next. To those of you who have “stayed tuned” - thank you - it means the world.

My session with the hypno was a mixed bag.  She is a lovely woman, and we had a really funny conversation about what fertility treatment does to the ol’ sex life. (We’ll keep that between her and I)

The first time she tried to “put me under” I had a panic attack due to the fact that I couldn’t breathe. I have had a chest cold for the last week, but didn’t want to miss the appointment! So when she started with the guided meditation I was breathing through my nose, rather inefficiently.  I was trying so hard to concentrate on what she was saying but all I could think about was the fact that I was busy suffocating!

After much heaving and coughing I calmed down and we got on with it.  It was very relaxing and she basically just talked me through some of the ideas I have about myself which are untrue or distorted.  Such as the fact that I doubt my body’s ability to cope with pregnancy.  Don’t ask me where this idea comes from but it is there.  She also gave me a technique to help me to get to sleep quicker, and it actually worked.  (Very similar to the Body Brilliance CD that I already listen to)

On the fertility front - I am in limbo right now.  I am looking into adoption and surrogacy in the meantime.  Call it my plan B in the event that my FET doesn’t work.  It’s too hard being absolutely positive about a cycle when deep down you know that it may or may not work.  For me it is emotionally safer to go into a treatment with a backup plan than to just assume that I won’t be needing one (mistake in IVF 2).  For now I am just enjoying not doing anything, and living a little.  You forget what it’s like to have a normal day without watching everything you eat and drink, or living in constant uncertainty about the outcome of a cycle.  And it’s quite refreshing not to.

***

Congratulations to Dawn at Nearly Dawn on her little Jim; and Seussgirl at One Day Two Day with little Nathaniel and Joseph.  In the dark that is infertility, these ladies are our glimmer of hope.   There are a few more of you out there about to “pop” - I wish you safe and wonderful birth experiences.  My condolences to those who have lost their precious babies - my thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.