Beta (Not A Happy Post)

This is the post I wrote last week Wednesday – was having trouble with my laptop so didn’t get to posting it:

The reason Harry and Sally have been so quiet is simply that they are no longer with us.  When they slipped away I cannot be sure, but I started bleeding today and got confirmation through a negative beta.  To tell you the truth I conned myself that this cycle had worked but I had none of the symptoms of my first “pregnancy” – I just put it down to each time being different.  In hind sight though, I think I knew.  It’s amazing what we will lead ourselves to believe in the name of hope.

I am truly sick and tired of this, and I don’t know that I could do it again.  To top all that, I have developed some kind of infection due to the immune suppression with IVIg and that is making me feel like death. 

In light of all this I’m sure you’ll forgive the flat nature of this post.  I am not at my best right now.  I am angry, frustrated, disappointed and upset.  What the hell is wrong with my body?  What is wrong with me?

Rest In Peace Harry and Sally, two of my many bubbles of hope that never came to be.  😦

As you may be able to tell, I was not happy writing this post.  I am feeling a little better now.  It’s time for a rest, to celebrate Christmas and put this year behind us.  Next year will bring it’s own set of challenges I am sure, but I am not getting into that now.  Now is a time for rest and reflection to revive the spirits and rekindle the faith that I will have a family someday.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.


16 thoughts on “Beta (Not A Happy Post)

  1. JJ says:

    (((big hugs))) Always thinking of you my dear…

  2. Bea says:

    I’m so sorry. I wish you a good Christmas and renewal in the new year.


  3. Leah says:

    I’m so sorry. I will pray that next year brings you your heart’s desire.

  4. Candice says:

    I’ve been refreshing your blog constantly in the hope of good news, I am so sorry that it was not. I hope that 2009 is a happy and fruitful one …. for both of us !
    Good luck
    xx C

  5. Betty says:

    I’m so very sorry.

    Onward and upward as you suggest even when its hard.

  6. samcy says:

    So sorry Manz.


  7. Jen says:

    So sorry…

  8. Delenn says:

    That so sucks! I am so sorry.

  9. Shaz says:

    Hey Mands,
    I’m really sorry about your failed round and about the yucky side effects of the iVIG. I’ve also had some awfuls side effects from all the messing with my immune system. Thanksfully since moving to Vl its been determined its not my immune system at all so I don’t have to travel down that path.
    Glad to here you’re sounding upbeat.

  10. charne says:

    I am so sorry !



  11. Sarah says:

    i am so late in getting around here but was thinking of you and hoping you’re well. hope the new year has brought you some peace and many more blessings to come.

  12. Nicola says:

    Also late, but want to send all my love and thoughts. It is so shit getting a negative. I have faith it will go your way. Keep us updated on your plans. Nick x

  13. youthinkittoo says:

    Still thinking of you and wondering how you are doing these days?

  14. Leah says:

    Just checking in on you because I was thinking of you. xo

  15. Leah says:

    Checking in on you to see how you are doing. xo

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