That’s what Debs called me in an sms yesterday… and that is what I feel like. I had the lap done on Tuesday after my trip to Cape Town. Now I am hobbling around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I am having one of those “Why must it be so hard for me and so easy for other people” days.
I am frustrated that this is my 3rd lap in as many years. I am frustrated that the other two came to nought. I am tired of this game, tired of scars with nothing to show for them. But mostly, I am tired of being tired. I know that this is temporary and that I am just feeling sorry for myself but dammit I think I am entitled to a little self pity now and again.
The Hoff and I have always lived as if we were about to start a family. Whenever we have moved, it has been into a 3 bedroom house (one for us, one for guests, and of course – one for the “baby”). Now we have bought a two bedroom house, because, well – there are no babies to speak of – nor have there been for the last ten years that we have been married. It’s not that we have given up, it’s just that we have resigned ourselves to the fact that for now, we only need two rooms. I have never felt so close to success, but it’s almost like we have had to “go back to begin” in Monopoly speak. And you know what it’s like to be sent back to the start of the game, it’s really frustrating.
Anyway, I am just waffling now. My left ovary is badly scarred and stuck down. The right one is “reasonable” in the doctor’s own words. I have been advised to commence IVF on my next cycle.
I am really trying to be positive about all of this, but I guess being stabbed in the stomach four times might be a bit of a mood killer. I hope to be back to myself by the next post. Thank you for listening.