Harry? Sally? Anyone in there?

It’s been quiet this side.  No sign of Harry or Sally.  And yes, I have been obsessing.  I have been doing the whole positive affirmation thing too, but in between that, mostly obsessing.

This morning I woke up to AF cramps which I was not happy about, and they subsequently went away.  My ute has been feeling a little crampy on and off the whole day though.  Nothing to start fireworks, but kind of a dull feeling.  I am wishing, nay, praying that it is not the dreaded she-who-shall-not-be-named.

I have a slight headache as well, and feeling a little “feverish” but that I will put down to a really loooooooong day at work.

I have been a little lazy with the water drinking, probably getting in about a litre or so.  That might also explain the headache.

Can’t I use that tazer machine thingy on Star Trek and beam myself into next week Thursday?  Do I have to live through next few days?  Surely not.  Surely NOT.

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The Tale of Two Popsicles

One more of my little bubbles stopped growing last night and this morning another was not looking good.

I arrived at the clinic 15 minutes late (you always wait about an hour anyway) and there was quite a commotion as nurses ran around looking for me.  When we finally found each other I was instructed to start drinking water as fast as possible and marched off to Dr V for an embryo update with a polystyrene cup in each hand.  (I still wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about)

When I got in there Dr. V said that he was really happy that I’d arrived because one of my embies had started hatching and needed a womb pronto!  Two of them survived and were doing outrageously well.  I rushed off downstairs and donned the sexy white nightgowns and blue smurf booties and was ordered to down another 3 glasses of water.

I rushed into the theatre and about ten minutes later I emerged with two babies-to-be safely tucked away.  As I was walking out the embryologist came up to me and told me what excellent embies I have and her final word was “One of them has to stick!”  I promised to let her know, and then rushed off to empty the tsunami building in my bladder.

I have decided to call them Harry and Sally – Hopefully one of them will emerge looking like Meg Ryan 🙂

And so we wait.

The Results Are In

And OBAMA has won it!  You would think he was our new president the way people have reacted here!  We’re ecstatic.  Well done America.  You got what you deserve – a great new leader.  I thought McCain’s speech afterwards was very dignified and for the first time in the campaign I liked him and felt his sincerity.  (No offence intended to any Republicans reading here.)

And now for the REAL results –  I got the thaw call this morning.

FOUR of my babies are still with us!  I am over the moon!  Of course I felt very sad for the one that didn’t make it.  (I’m sure you all understand)  Even though they are mere cell clusters at this stage, they are my babies and that’s all there is to it.  I had a moment of reflection for my little embie that couldn’t, and then focused all my energies on the ones that did.  Please keep on sending the love their way…

I am so excited for tomorrow, and the two weeks following I am sure will feel like the night before Christmas – endless!

Blessings to all of you who have jumped right back on the bandwagon with me.  You are very special people.

A Long Overdue Post. (And some stuff about IVIg and FET)

Welcome to your life,

There’s no turning back

Even while we sleep

We will find you acting on your best behaviour

Turn your back on mother nature

Everybody wants to rule the world

There’s the room where the light won’t find you

Holding hands while the walls start tumbling down

When they do I’ll be right behind you

Everybody wants to rule the world

Not sure why but that song just came to mind.  I thought I would put it down for your reading pleasure.  Anyone remember this one?  (you’ll show your age!)  Anyone know the artist?  (You’ll really show your age!)

My FET cycle got off to a not-so-good start.  My uterine lining on day 14 was what it should have been on day 9.  All in all a long winded cycle that looked like it would dwindle into insignificance.  I was becoming annoyed and feeling highly justified in my decision to cease treatments after this FET.  On Saturday, however, I decided that an attitude adjustment was in order.  As I set out to the clinic in the cool morning, I said the following things to myself out loud in my car:

“I am a healthy fertile woman”

“There is nothing wrong with my body”

“I am perfectly capable of pregnancy and birth”

“My uterus is healthy and sparkly and ripe with thick luscious fertile lining”

“My embryos are healthy and will thaw with no problems at all”

I got to the clinic, and my lining had thickened by 3mm (overnight) and my dominant follicle was 18mm.  My E2 had gone up as needed.  Coincidence?

I was given the green light by my doc for the IVIg, which I went in for today, and it was really not that bad.  The drip stung a little and burned the whole time it was in, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  The nurses were great and very attentive, checking my BP and heart rate every 15 minutes to half an hour.  I was done by 2:30, which is a pretty long day.

Tomorrow they are thawing my precious babies and I will have an update on Wednesday.  I am so excited – I can hardly wait.  Please send lots of healthy thawing thoughts their way and some of that mother love that we all possess and would love to unleash on our own beautiful offspring.  (For now just channel it to my embie-babies pleeeeez)  Many thanks 🙂  They are in a frosty slumber in the lab in Rivonia, Sandton, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, Africa, Earth – for all the aliens out there sending good vibes 😉

Much love to all of you out there in the blogosphere no matter where you are in your journey I wish you well and pray for a happy outcome for you.

xx

Life’s a Journey

Thanks for all your comments.  I am still around and very well, thank you for asking.

I have really been on a journey of discovery in the last year, and have realised a few things.  The one thing that has really stood out to me is that while I was burying myself in my “infertility” and anguishing about my demise, the rest of the world carried on living.  (part of that has been this blog, which, whilst it has been a source of great support and healing, has also been a crutch that has not aided my “healing” as much as I thought) 

Life was happening while I was trying to get mine started.  I said things to myself internally like, “I’ll be happy when I fall pregnant” or “All I need is a family to make my life complete” or “I’ll start living when my IVF finally works.”  What I didn’t realise is that life does not come with a pause button. 

It’s like stepping out of the movie midway to buy popcorn.  You stand in the queue, waiting.  When you finally get back into the movie, you have missed some really important bits and the rest of the viewing audience have moved on without you, nary an explanation of what you didn’t get to see.

This little eye-opener was responsible for my last post about adoption.  I realised that while I sit on the side line waiting for things to go my way, life is merrily passing me by, like a frivolous child on a merry-go-round, laughing joyfully as it passes. 

So I have started living.  I have taken up golf lessons, which were a blast by the way!  And I have started learning to play the guitar, something I have wanted to do since sitting at my dad’s feet as he played when I was growing up. 

I have finally got my genetics tests back and it looks like the Hoff and I have very similar-looking DNA.  This means that with my upcoming FET I will be doing IVIg.  I am going in for my first scan on Monday and then we are on the bicycle again, so to speak. 

The outcome of the FET is entirely in God’s hands – I am relinquishing all control.  If it works I will be over the moon.  If not, I will embark on a new journey to “find” the baby that has been set aside for me.  Either way I am very excited about what life has in store for me.  I am not going to waste a minute worrying about an outcome I have no influence over.  The best I can do is be thankful each day for my present blessings.

Thanks to Natalie for all her advice and adoption story.  Thanks to everyone else for your encouragement and care.  The adoption route may mean that we will be a mixed race family and that is a big deal in a country that has been torn apart by racial hatred in the past.  We are prepared for this, and we know that the people that mean the most to us will support us no matter which way our journey takes us.

Fate? Maybe. Coincidence? I think not.

I have just watched the Carte Blanche story about the abused and abandoned children that end up in our welfare system.  What a wake up call.  There are so many children out there in need of homes and loving parents.

I have contacted the welfare and I am hoping to have had some sort of response by tomorrow morning.  For the first time in six years I can see light at the end of this tunnel.

Anyone (Preferrably South African) who has adopted recently and has contacts or helpful advice, please leave a comment with your contact details or blog name so that we can get in touch. 

Am I giving up on having my own children?  Of course not.  Am I going to delay having a family for another year in favour of treatments that may or may not work?  Definitely not.  I am ready for parenthood.  Bring it on.