It’s been hard to think about coming here. I have so many thoughts and none at all. Surrogacy, adoption, donor sperm… FET, a third IVF, life after all of this….. with a baby…. without. It’s mind-numbing.
I finally had to face my demons on Easter Friday whilst walking through the mall looking for someplace to have breakfast. Coming towards us from the opposite side was… wait for it… my neighbour! And her new baby! I choked, my chest started to close and my mouth went dry. I cracked a sheepish smile and squeaked a hello. And you’ll never believe it: the baby wasn’t half as scary as I had made him in my mind. He was cute and tiny and sleeping angelically in his pram (stroller). It was almost nice. The weird thing is that these people are blissfully unaware of all the emotional baggage that comes with struggling for years to conceive, so the conversation was light and whimsical. Which was fine. Really.
On the IF front, I have re-checked my thyroid and prolactin, for a laugh. (Still waiting on the results) I am still undecided about the FET, and I am taking my time deciding when we will do it. I guess you could say that I am prolonging it so I won’t have to feel sad again so soon. Not ready for that yet. Also, once the FET is done and dusted, and is hasn’t worked (hypothetically) I am not ready for a future with no Lucrin, stims or daily scans. I am not ready to just fly by the seat of my pants with no big expensive Plan D, E or F in the curtains. So I am delaying the FET for as long as possible right now. Maybe May or June or even July – when I am good and ready.
Please pray for Charne, who got one embie and is hoping for a 5 day transfer. Also Annie, who has lost her baby at 7 weeks. These girls are both South African as far as I can tell, so they are my homegirls, and they both need your prayers right now.