That’s where I have been flying lately. I am still not sure how I am feeling about everything. I still have not plucked up the courage to go and see my neighbour’s
new baby. I just can’t do it. I am not good at hiding my feelings and I am afraid that if I pop over there all cooey and gooey, she will see right through me.
As I was driving into our complex a few days ago, there were two moms sitting on the grass with their flocks of babies and toddlers around them. When I drove through the gate one of the moms jumped up and rushed to her toddler, who was on a push bike, to usher him to the safety of the curb. I felt a stab. I should be sitting there too, making small talk and discussing how little sleep I get etc etc. And yet I was in my car, driving down to my house where I would be greeted by my dogs. I have become that woman with the dogs.
Like I said in my previous post, I am okay. I just have bouts of sadness. They come and go – and then come again. And then go again. You get the idea.
I have halted adoption and surrogacy investigations for now. I realised that I was gathering the troops for a war that may or may not occur. For now I am going to focus on my impending FET (whenever that may be) and should that fail, I know I can start on plan B or C. I have also realised that when the Hoff has had enough of IF, he switches off completely, whilst I go on a crazy baby acquiring mission. He starts to withdraw from the process the more involved I become. So once again I am thinking that just laying off for a while would be ideal for both of us.
As soon as we have figured out how we will be financing the FET, we will start the proceedings. It is fruitless for me to torment about my age and the fact that I may only have children well into my 30’s. That just gives me a feeling of panic and impending doom. You know how it is, you rush to fall pregnant by December, so that at least it is still in the same year. When that doesn’t happen, you figure that at least if we conceive in January or February it’ll be a late 2008 baby. When that doesn’t happen, you panic because the chances of having a live baby in the same year start to dwindle. You panic because you can see another birthday looming with a barren womb, an empty home and an even emptier pocket. That’s right about where I stand at the moment, and yet I know that no amount of obsessing is going to change things.
So we’ll take it a day at a time. See where this crazy path leads us next. To those of you who have “stayed tuned” – thank you – it means the world.