Under the radar..

That’s where I have been flying lately.  I am still not sure how I am feeling about everything.  I still have not plucked up the courage to go and see my neighbour’s new baby.  I just can’t do it.  I am not good at hiding my feelings and I am afraid that if I pop over there all cooey and gooey, she will see right through me. 

As I was driving into our complex a few days ago, there were two moms sitting on the grass with their flocks of babies and toddlers around them.  When I drove through the gate one of the moms jumped up and rushed to her toddler, who was on a push bike, to usher him to the safety of the curb.  I felt a stab.  I should be sitting there too, making small talk and discussing how little sleep I get etc etc.  And yet I was in my car, driving down to my house where I would be greeted by my dogs.  I have become that woman with the dogs. 

Like I said in my previous post, I am okay.  I just have bouts of sadness.  They come and go – and then come again.  And then go again.  You get the idea.

I have halted adoption and surrogacy investigations for now.  I realised that I was gathering the troops for a war that may or may not occur.  For now I am going to focus on my impending FET (whenever that may be) and should that fail, I know I can start on plan B or C.  I have also realised that when the Hoff has had enough of IF, he switches off completely, whilst I go on a crazy baby acquiring mission.  He starts to withdraw from the process the more involved I become.  So once again I am thinking that just laying off for a while would be ideal for both of us. 

As soon as we have figured out how we will be financing the FET, we will start the proceedings.  It is fruitless for me to torment about my age and the fact that I may only have children well into my 30’s.  That just gives me a feeling of panic and impending doom.  You know how it is, you rush to fall pregnant by December, so that at least it is still in the same year.  When that doesn’t happen, you figure that at least if we conceive in January or February it’ll be a late 2008 baby.  When that doesn’t happen, you panic because the chances of having a live baby in the same year start to dwindle.  You panic because you can see another birthday looming with a barren womb, an empty home and an even emptier pocket. That’s right about where I stand at the moment, and yet I know that no amount of obsessing is going to change things. 

So we’ll take it a day at a time.  See where this crazy path leads us next. To those of you who have “stayed tuned” – thank you – it means the world.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Under the radar..

  1. Debbie says:

    Hi Sweetie, I know those feelings so well. I remember thinking I want to have a baby by my 30th Bday and then that past. Then I thought, it’s ok as long as I’m pregnant by my 30th Bday…and that past too. It’s so hard, I wish it was easier.

    ((HUGS))

  2. V says:

    Hang in there, I’m skidding into my 40’s and holding out hope it might happen before then.

  3. Bea says:

    I think one step at a time is a great way to handle things. Some people prefer to plan several steps in advance, of course, but there’s absolutely no reason to bite off more than you feel like chewing.

    Fingers crossed for the FET. That’s plenty to focus on for now.

    Bea

  4. Tam says:

    I’m so sorry that you still having a hard time, many of us here know that sadness way too well. Just remember that this too shall pass sweetie, I have faith in your FET even if you don’t. Anything is possible, we’ve seen it many times.

    Doing what you are doing now is perfect, take your time and you’ll know when the time is right for the next step.

    Thinking of you always and praying so hard that your journey ends soon.

  5. samcy says:

    Mands, sjoe this really sums up what I am feeling at this time as well. Nearly 30 and no baby to show for it. I always thought I would have 2 babies by 30 and am still trying for #1.

    Will be praying for you during this time, and will also pray hard when the FET is done. There have been so many cases of FET working, you got to hang onto the dream that yours will work too.

    Lots of love
    Sam
    xxx

  6. charne says:

    I can realte so well to the feelings you had when driving home and seeing all the mommies on the grass playing with their little ones… this journey is so hard emotionally…. if only we knew what the future holds and when our turn will be

    thinking of you and hoping that you are able to make a plan to finance the FET soon

    xxx

  7. Kenna says:

    I have followed your blog for some time, and I am keeping you in my thoughts. My complex is full of families with their children. All the mothers stay home and play with their kids own on the lawn right infront of my apt. I come home from my wonderful job and am reminded of what I have to fight to have…

    Sending positive thoughts you way.

  8. Your description about having to stop yourself about worrying about how old you will be when you become parents, etc. really hits home with me. I *still* think about the fact that I turn 36 next month and we will probably be trying for #2 when I am 38. And that’s just trying. Who knows if the second ivf will work like the first one did.

    But, honestly, it IS worth it to fight those thoughts. Because they only make you feel worse, which you just don’t need.

    Glad you are taking a bit of a break…..

    XOXO

  9. Bumble says:

    Hi Mands, what a sad post, it brought tears to my eyes because I can remember feeling exactly what you are feeling right now and it brought it all right back. It never goes away even when you do get your little one, but just remember that everything CAN change in the blink of an eye. And I too have faith in your FET. They do work hun, hang in there xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s