A day in the life.

I awake to the gentle prodding of the Hoff and his sleepy “Mands, there’s coffee.”  I pretend not to hear him and drift off again.

5 minutes or so later I force myself awake and grope around for the coffee, slug it down, and then go back to sleep.  I know I have to get up soon, but the thought of it makes me more tired. Another day. 

No sleepy heads pitter-pattering into my room at six and clambering into bed with me.  No cries of “Mommy mommy, I want chocolate milk!”  or  “Wake up mommy. WAKE UP!!!”  Just me and the Hoff and another damn day.

I drag myself out of bed, and stumble into the shower.  Then frantically rush around to try and leave the house clothed and respectable by 7:30 at least.  I drum my fingers on the steering wheel, past the posh private school in our area, past the swanky out of town hotel, past the squatter camp where children that look like toddlers are walking to school by themselves.  Women in the field across the road are tying bundles of dry grass together, and taxi’s come speeding past me in the yellow dust, kwaito music blaring and arms waving out of the windows as they pass on the wrong side of the road.

I arrive at work, and sit in my parked car for a minute or two.  Or just until the song has finished.  I gather my belongings and go into work.  Put on a smile, cheerfully greet my colleagues, and settle down in front of my PC.  I sit and watch quietly as the e-mails trickle in.  As I read them I feel overwhelmed with all the feelings of the past few weeks.  I don’t respond well to kindness.  I go to pieces.  And that’s what happens when I open my mailbox, and all I get is kindness.  And love.  And Compassion.  From all of you.

Thank you. So very much.

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5 thoughts on “A day in the life.

  1. Debbie says:

    My heart just breaks for you Mands. Don’t give up, you ARE going to be a mom. And a great one at that.

    I’m so sorry you are goign through this.

    ((HUGS))

  2. Farah says:

    Mands- I am sending you a big hug! Sounds like you are doing very well all things considered! you are doing very well!

  3. Bea says:

    Hoping for truly happy days out there in your future.

    Bea

  4. Samantha says:

    Hugs to you! May things turn around soon!

  5. charne says:

    O Mands, i hear what you are saying, waking up to your childrens little voice would make the mornings so perfect, i know its hard, but keep the faith and remember we will be mommies one day… dont give up on your dreams…. i know the pain at times is so hard, but once we have our little ones the pain will be gone and hopefull forgotten

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