All dried up, all cried out.

I am sorry for my brief leave of absence.  I am struggling to come to terms with the cycle, for a number of reasons.

1. I keep getting told that there is no real problem, and that all the known problems have been fixed.

2. It wasn’t supposed to fail.  I should be pregnant now.

3. We have run out of money.  One of the resources we were relying on to pay for IVF 2 has “fallen through”, so we haven’t even paid for that one yet – no idea dow we are going to fund the FET. Or the extra blood tests that the doc has recommended, amounting to more than R12 000.

4. The Hoff is tired and frustrated and wants to stop treatment.  I would shrivel up and die.  But with no more money, we don’t really have a lot of options right now.

So I have been processing all of this, and crying a lot, and avoiding you, and the rest of the world as well. It’s easier sometimes.  Trying to come up with a solution, but money is a big factor for those of us who don’t have the support of our medical insurance.  I am not ready to give up on my own body’s ability to bear children.  Not yet.  I have started looking into adoption though. Just in case.


18 thoughts on “All dried up, all cried out.

  1. daisycake says:

    I’m glad you checked in. that is a lot to process. Take your time. xoxoxoo

  2. Farah says:

    glad for an update but so sorry that money is such a burden in these situations. My insurance does not/didn’t cover anything either – It’s just so unnecessary!

  3. Samantha says:

    I’m really sorry you’re in the situation you’re in. Money is a serious problem, and I know where you’re coming from. No insurance here either. I also know how frustrating it is to see cycle after cycle fail. I can’t provide you with an example of a happy ending, but I can say I know exactly where you are coming from and you’re not alone.

  4. Delenn says:

    I am sorry about the money situation. It really is something that infertiles should not have to deal with…I wish there was something I could do for you. All I can say is that I can offer support (and possibly free meds, if you can do another cycle) in whatever you do. Adoption is a process too, but if money is an issue, the possibility that you will have an actual child through it is higher…

    Here for you in whatever decision you have to make.

  5. JJ says:

    My heart aches for you Mands…I wish I had more answers for you–I wish I could do a LOT of things for you right now. Being a part of the money-crunch club, I totally understand your frustrations. I am here for you always…

  6. Katie says:

    Oh, Mands. I understand the need to take some time to grieve. I am just glad for the check in.

    Give yourself and your husband some time. After each miscarriage, my husband has said NEVER again. After the intense sadness and disappointment comes a realization that in order to get what we want, we have to try, try again.

    I am thinking about you, Sweet Girl, and praying that you don’t have to cry tears of sadness any more.

  7. Jackie says:

    Mands, I’m so sorry. I hope you and your husband can recover from this emotionally, financially, psychologically and find a way to make your family as complete as you desire. I’ll be thinking of you…

  8. Bea says:

    It makes me a bit angry that IVF coverage is still so hard to get. But that aside… you need to take the time to cry and go through it all before you decide on the next step. I wish I could tell you how it’s all going to turn out in the end, but I can’t.


  9. Sara says:

    Oh god, hon. I’m so sorry that money is even an issue here. I went through the same thing. Was living in the US, where IVF is absurdly expensive and my insurance specifically excluded it from coverage. I actually ended up moving to Korea partly for the affordable (in USD, anyway) IVF (go ahead, call me desperate, it’s true). I clearly remember that feeling of utter hopelessness as I realized that I couldn’t afford the only treatment that was likely to work. I really hope that you can find a way to become a mama.

  10. Elize says:

    Hi Mands! That’s a lot to process and IF is really hard on our partners too. Take as much time as you need, things WILL start to look better. Hang in there sweetie and remember if you need counceling or even if you don’t think you need it, see someone, I know I’m not one to talk, and can honestly not say how I ever survived the m/c’s and negative cycles without a therapist, but I survived and I have healed and I know you will heal too. But it takes time.

    It’s hard to take a break, but you need to even though your clock is ticking at a deafening sound.

    ((((BIG HUGS))))


  11. charne says:

    I wish there was something I could do, as if infertility is not hard enough, we then still have to struggle to finance treatments cause of medical aids not funding them! Hang in there my friend, and carry on beleiving in your body, dont give up yet!!

    thinking of you

  12. Chantel says:

    Hey Mands,
    I am truly so sorry for all you have to go through. I fully get where you are coming from. We have had to put everythong on hold to because of financial issues… Also looking at adoption. Take as much time as you need and heal as best you can. We are all here for you.

  13. Sticky Bun says:

    Mands, I’m so sorry. Take all the time you need–we all understand. And please know I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best…

  14. elizabeth says:

    I’m so sorry. Thinking of you, sending virtual hugs.

  15. I am So So very very sorry that you are in such a painful place…..


  16. fromheretomaternity says:

    I’m so sorry Mands, money shouldn’t be the reason you can’t realize your dream. I hope you find a way, take care. ((hugs))

  17. Faith says:

    I am so so so sorry Mands. It isn’t fair and I know there are no words of comfort. I wish I could do something for you… to help you. Thinking of you in this difficult time.

    Love Faith

  18. Annie says:

    Oh Mands *hug* It seems so wrong that we have to fight so hard financially when there are others out there who are lucky enough to get a BFP free of charge. It just isn’t fair.

    I hope and pray that something unexpected comes your way to help you through your journey *hug*

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