Still here…

I am still here in case you were wondering.  Last week felt like a bad dream, it was all so surreal, and felt like it would never end.

I have started to “bleed” but it is very little and that is quite concerning to me.  I really expected much worse, and this is worrying me.  You know what I mean… whatever is in there has to , you know, come out?  What’s going on?  What is everyone else’s experience with an early miscarriage?  Will I need a D&C? And also,  (warning of too much information up ahead) it’s not quite “bleeding”.  It’s more like bits of lining coming out. (Sorry)

So on the physical front, things are a bit weird.  On the emotional front, it is touch and go.  One moment I am fine, and the next, I am a mess of schmeared mascara.  Well, now I have stopped wearing mascara.  Just in case.  I have found that I can tolerate close friends and family, but the thought of socialising sends me into a cold sweat.  I feel like I can’t breathe, and I want to cry.  So am I ready to step out?  Absolutely NOT.  I am back at the point where pregnant women upset me, and children make me sad.  I have returned the pregnancy magazine to it’s rightful place at the bottom of my nightstand.  Also, I can’t stop thinking about my pregnant neighbour.  And how she is, and I’m not. (Anymore)  And how easy it was for her.  She had one child, and then, 18 months later, decided to have another, and then did.  Just like that.  Amazing. 

Debs and I went shopping this morning and I bought some lovely things to surround myself with.  It has helped somewhat.  She has been a great source of comfort to me, and I hope I can be as supportive when she needs me to be.  We shopped, drank chai, and she chatted my ear off and kept my mind occupied about decor, matching lamps, and shaggy bathmats.  She is stimming at the moment and she has been doing fabulously well on her IVF cycle.  She is not an active blogger, but she is my best bud, and therefore warrants a mention here.

My next doc appointment is next week Tuesday or Wednesday – I have lost my appointment card and need to double check.  I have a million questions, and keep forgetting to write them down, and then panic because there is so much I need to know.  I have googled myself into a stupor.  Anyway, will keep you posted. 

Love you all – Mands xx


18 thoughts on “Still here…

  1. Leah says:

    I’m so sorry that this is how it turned out. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, both around 8 weeks, and I elected to have a D&C each time. I understand that there are many reasons not to want to have one, but I did. Partially, I couldn’t bear the thought of spending countless days — having no idea how many of them there might be — waiting for the horrible bleeding to begin. I needed closure. Also, I wanted the D&Cs so that we could do genetic testing and see if there was a chromosomal problem (once there was, once there wasn’t). However it proceeds for you, I hope it is resolved quickly so you can begin healing.

    Don’t feel bad about not wanting to socialize, that’s totally normal. You are emotionally spent and simply don’t have any more to give. Definitely don’t feel bad about staring daggers at other pregnant women either — ESPECIALLY the ones who got pregnant easily and in the comfort of their own bed. I was frighteningly bitter at my best friend for a long time after she got pregnant. I knew, logically, that she hadn’t done anything “wrong,” but emotionally I couldn’t help but be so bitter and so jealous that it was hard to be around her.

    There is absolutely nothing that anyone can say right now which will make you feel better (unless that person has a crystal ball and can tell you your future for certain). So just know that it will eventually get better with time, and that we are all thinking about you and sending our love.

  2. Farah says:

    sending you warm thoughts

  3. Anla says:

    Sending warm wishes your way. I am sorry this cycle did not work out as everyone was hoping and praying for. I wish many good things to come your way soon.

  4. Babyblues says:

    Oh Mands I’m so very very sorry. Your post could have been written by me. The emotions are so familiar. Just wanting to be around close family and friends. And feeling fine one minute then breaking down on the next. I so hear you. Hugs.

    And the last post ‘Things you’re grateful for and sad for’, I could have written too. But you’re right about knowing that it could happen, and it will. Keep the faith. And I’m so glad Debs is around to cheer you up. Friends are the family we choose.

    Take your time and give yourself a good well deserved break from trying. I’m on a break right now and enjoying it. Although I can’t wait to get back on the saddle. I’m just here with you Mands. I just know you’ll be fine because you have an amazing support group.

  5. Bumble says:

    Leah said it all so well Mands, what you’re feeling is so normal. Just look after YOURSELVES for now and don’t worry about the rest of society. It will take a long time until you start to feel slightly ‘normal’ again and give it all the time it needs. My m/c was at 5 weeks 1 day, and I started spotting brown 2 days before at 4w5d, but by 5w1d I was bleeding like a normal AF. It lasted about 10 days or so but of course the emotional pain was 100 times worse than the actual physical pain. I’m not a doctor, but I’d say get your doc to have a look and see whats happening if you haven’t started bleeding in a few days. Thinking of you guys x

  6. Bea says:

    Early miscarriages (those classified as biochemical pg) don’t need a D&C, but I did find the endometrium coming out in clumps a couple of times. Gross and also freaky, but FS said it happens. If you’re concerned, contact your clinic and get them to do a quick lining check +/- blood test as necessary. This is stressful enough without having to worry about that kind of thing – let them take care of you medically, whilst you concentrate on keeping it together.


  7. karenO says:

    Oh Mands, I’m so terribly sorry. Don’t stop crying because you think you’re supposed to. Grieve as much and for as long as you need to. Sending a lot of hugs your way, they should get there soon, hope they help a bit!

  8. From Here To Maternity says:

    Cry as much as you want, it’s your grief, it’s real and it hurts like hell. Sending you ((hugs)). I wish there were something I could say or do to make this better.

  9. Lara says:

    Oh its so so awful! I’ve been where you are, and not so long ago. I had a miscarriage (D&C) at 8 weeks in August of this year and it was devastating to me! I experienced all your feeling and its just dreadful. Some people may act like its no big deal because its so early and you never had a bump, but don’t let that fool you, you have every right to be sad and to grieve. Especially with going through infertility to get there. Just a warning though…if you do have a d&c you will probably have a hormone crash the following couple of days that will make you feel crazy because you can’t stop crying. It’s normal. Baby blues and I both went through this recently and if you need to talk or have questions please please get in touch! It helped me enormously to have people who knew and understood how I felt as I went through it all to talk to!

    Much love to you…Lara

  10. Mary Ellen says:

    I am sorry Mands. It’s so awful what you are going through. Take care of yourself sweetie. Thinking of you. XOXO

  11. Leigh says:

    Hi Mands. If you need a change of scenery ever, our guest room will be up and running by the end of the week…

  12. Cibele says:

    I am so sorry Mands. My heart is broken for you. Sending you lots of love and a huge hug

  13. Elize says:

    Hi Mands, I’m so sorry for your loss. M/c’s are one of the worst experiences ever, and my heart breaks for you.

    I’ve had 3 m/c’s, the 1st two I had D&C’s as soon as I started bleeding at 10 or 11 weeks, the 3rd one was at 6 weeks and it was just like a normal period. I’m sure your doc will scan you to make sure that your uterus is clean, and if he sees something he will give you a D&C.

    On the emotional front it will be touch and go for some time. You don’t ever really ‘get over’ a loss, doesn’t matter how early it may have occurred. I wish someone had told me this when I went through this, I was very surprised to realise that after 3 years it still stings. I think the only thing that might make it better is being pregnant again and actually having a live baby, but unfortunately that hasn’t happened for me yet, so I can’t say for sure. Give yourself some time, you will need it, and try and cry as much as you need to. Remember there are lots of people who pray for you and seems as if you have an amazing support structure. I’ve never met you, but have followed your blog for some time now, and I was really sad that you had to go through this.


    Much love

  14. JJ says:

    Im just adding to the masses who have come to offer support…please know that I am thinking of you, and hoping for brighter days…hugs to you!

  15. Jen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs and best wishes!

  16. Debbie says:

    Thinking of you Mands ((HUGS))

  17. Nicole says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss my friend. So sorry

  18. Sarah says:

    oh shit, i am so sorry. and i feel so bad that it’s taken me a while to catch on to the new blog and catch up with you, especially since you’ve always been one of the most tremendously supportive bloggers out there. just so sorry you guys are going through this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s