I am still here in case you were wondering. Last week felt like a bad dream, it was all so surreal, and felt like it would never end.
I have started to “bleed” but it is very little and that is quite concerning to me. I really expected much worse, and this is worrying me. You know what I mean… whatever is in there has to , you know, come out? What’s going on? What is everyone else’s experience with an early miscarriage? Will I need a D&C? And also, (warning of too much information up ahead) it’s not quite “bleeding”. It’s more like bits of lining coming out. (Sorry)
So on the physical front, things are a bit weird. On the emotional front, it is touch and go. One moment I am fine, and the next, I am a mess of schmeared mascara. Well, now I have stopped wearing mascara. Just in case. I have found that I can tolerate close friends and family, but the thought of socialising sends me into a cold sweat. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I want to cry. So am I ready to step out? Absolutely NOT. I am back at the point where pregnant women upset me, and children make me sad. I have returned the pregnancy magazine to it’s rightful place at the bottom of my nightstand. Also, I can’t stop thinking about my pregnant neighbour. And how she is, and I’m not. (Anymore) And how easy it was for her. She had one child, and then, 18 months later, decided to have another, and then did. Just like that. Amazing.
Debs and I went shopping this morning and I bought some lovely things to surround myself with. It has helped somewhat. She has been a great source of comfort to me, and I hope I can be as supportive when she needs me to be. We shopped, drank chai, and she chatted my ear off and kept my mind occupied about decor, matching lamps, and shaggy bathmats. She is stimming at the moment and she has been doing fabulously well on her IVF cycle. She is not an active blogger, but she is my best bud, and therefore warrants a mention here.
My next doc appointment is next week Tuesday or Wednesday – I have lost my appointment card and need to double check. I have a million questions, and keep forgetting to write them down, and then panic because there is so much I need to know. I have googled myself into a stupor. Anyway, will keep you posted.
Love you all – Mands xx