MELTDOWN! Yup, that’s what you get when you mix menopause and Aunt Flo. I ranted. I raved. Then I ranted some more. I cried. Then I cried some more. So no, the onset of Aunt Frikkin Flo was not the raving party I was expecting. But she had finally arrived on Thursday, much to my relief.
Hence, I finally got my Menopur (3 amps) on Friday to start on Saturday. Everything was sailing quite smoothly and peachily along, and then this morning I just woke up sad. And the longer I thought about it, the sadder I felt. And the sadder I felt, the longer I thought about it. Before I knew it, I was crying into my bath water. Then I was crying over my injections. I felt deathly afraid…. that this IVF would actually work! Would I be able to handle pregnancy? Would the Hoff and I handle the adjustment? Would I be a good parent? Would I love my child enough? Am I jinxing my cycle by having all these thoughts? It was too much for my menopausal, pms’d brain to handle. I broke down. All I can say is that IVF is much more taxing, emotionally, than any other treatment I have done. I have been quite okay but as it goes on, and I draw closer to D-day, it is becoming more and more real, and way more scary. And of course I want it to work. It has to work, dammit. But it is iminent, and that is frightening.
When I went to go and get my Menopur on Friday, the nurse I spoke to (lets call her Flower Power), was very encouraging. She told me to be grateful for everything I have right now, and to begin preparing for my pregnancy, rather than my IVF outcome. She was very holistic, airy fairy, but she said all the things I needed to hear, and then gave me a big motherly hug. I have hung onto those words, and I have been telling myself that I am at peace with my self and have faith that my body is healthy and fertile. Tam sent me the mantra that those words come from, and my mushy brain is battling to remember exactly how it goes, but saying it to myself definitely helps. (Thanks Tam)
I am going in for my follie scan on Thursday, and I am quite excited about it. Also nervous. It goes without saying that I am hoping to see many growing follies.
In the meantime, Things I am Grateful for:
1. Tam, who has been a constant support – kind and thoughtful. She is always calling to check on me, and has bucket loads of empathy for what I am going through.
2. My excellent wonderful amazing clinic, and all of the fabulous staff there who make me feel like this may actually work.
3. My husband, who has been very sensitive and supportive through my not so happy days.
4. Rain in spring. Roses in spring. Spring itself.
5. My body, which I believe has the ability to conceive and bear a child. It is strong, healthy, free of sickness and disease. It may not be perfect, but it’s mine, and I love it nonetheless.
I am thinking of all of you who are cycling at the moment, and those of you who are pensively waiting. (Regardless of what you are waiting for.) And those of you are done waiting, and have your outcome (good or bad). My thoughts are with you all.