Clouds Gathering Again…

Well, I thought I would have the obligatory one or two days of sadness, and then everything would be peachy after that. Unfortunately, it has not happened that way.

I have been feeling miserable this whole week. I think I know why. Doing the IUI’s was okay, because, well, if one failed, I would just do another. I mean, surely it would work within 3? Isn’t that the statistic? Then 3 IUI’s came and went, and still nothing. I am just so sick and tired of being disappointed. I would do another IUI before IVF, except that if it failed again, they would have to be standing by with a straight jacket. (“They” being the people with the straight jackets, of course.) It would be straight to the nuthouse for me. Do not pass begin, do not collect $200.

I am ashamed to say that at the beginning of this very short but very exhausting IUI journey, I was actually feeling a bit smug. I felt really bad for all the other sorry souls out there that were on IUI 6 or IVF 3. It would never happen that way with me. I would be PG within my 3 designated IUI’s. My doctor said so, and I believed. Why should I doubt?
After each failure, I began to feel a little more cynical, but kept thinking “it’s not over yet”. Well, now it feels “over”.
I guess being at the IVF crossroads makes it so much more real for me, and for the first time I am feeling really, really, INFERTILE.

INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INF
ERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERTILE.INFERT
ILE.

If you say it enough times out loud it starts to sound like a foreign language. What is it? What does it mean? Why me? What if IVF #1 doesn’t work? So many questions, and no answers.

Then there’s the financial aspect of IVF. With South Africa being a developing country, they have much bigger medical fish to fry than poor Mands that can’t have a baby. So there is no financial assistance for those of us here wanting to do treatments. I managed the IUI’s, as they weren’t too bad. It just meant that we had to cut back here and there. IVF is a whole other ballgame. It is approximately R30 000 ($4300) without ICSI or extra meds. We don’t have that amount of money stashed under the mattress, so we will have to take out a loan.

On top of all this, SIL (the lovely dutch girl) is probably going to be having her baby soon. I feel badly for her as she is suffering with high blood pressure brought on by the pregnancy. Of course, I am happy for her and my baby brother, who will be embarking on this great adventure called parenthood. It couldn’t happen to two nicer people. At the same time, I feel panicked. I am not ready for another baby in the family. I have been fine with her pregnancy all along, but it is really striking home now, it’s feeling a lot more real than ever before. It won’t be just a pregnancy anymore, it will be a real, live, little person. I feel so very empty.

So I guess you could say that the break is not going too well so far. Stay tuned.

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11 thoughts on “Clouds Gathering Again…

  1. carrie says:

    Oh, Mands, if I could come over and hold your hand right now, I would. I’m not there yet, but I can imagine how scary it is to be at this crossroads. I hope this dark cloud passes soon for you. I’ll be thinking about you.

  2. Sarah says:

    oh gosh, i so know how you feel. coming to terms with IVF being our best option was really hard for me. i think i’ve said this before, but that was by far the hardest part. once i actually got mentally in the mindset to do it, the actual ivf protocol was much easier than getting over all the failed IUIs and moving on was.

    i don’t know why it’s so hard. there are several smaller steps where we lose a bit of faith each time, but moving on to IVF is a BIG one. even though it turned out to be a much smaller deal than it seemed in terms of protocol, it is a HUGE deal emotionally (not to mention financially). don’t be too disappointed in yourself if it takes a while to come to terms with it. it just shows you’re paying due dilligence to something that’s super important.

  3. Mary Ellen and Steve says:

    I am so sorry for what you are going through Mands. It is really hard to come to terms with having to do IVF. Hang in there. xx

  4. Samantha says:

    I’m really sorry you’re feeling bad. I think you’re feeling of fear of IVF is a common one, and one that I shared. It’s the signature IF treatment, the one everyone things of. I remember once one of my coworkers saying about someone else we worked with: “I think she almost had to do IVF.” This was said in kind of derogatory manner, like “Geez, if you need to resort to IVF, you’re really fucked up!” It made me feel like I never wanted to do it. It’s too bad that we feel that stigma, because it is a procedure that has helped many people. I hope you will feel better soon.

  5. The Road Less Travelled says:

    I’m so sorry. It’s such a worry financially, but somehow we figure it out. I hope IVF works for you.

  6. Bea says:

    I think the shock of it all hitting home is very normal and understandable. If it takes some time to work through it, well, hang in there along the way. Hopefully you won’t be dealing with this for too much longer.

    Bea

  7. Elizabeth says:

    😦
    I can so relate to that feeling of emptiness when it really sinks in, when it hits you that this isn’t going to go away, when the “infertile” label seems to finally stick like it’s never going to come off. It sounds like you’re really feeling the transition from one kind of ART intervention to another as a symbolic step on top of the financial stress and the continuing stress of uncertainty. I think the uncertainty really can almost be the hardest part. You felt certain that 3 IUIs would do the trick, but it didn’t, so uncertainty comes back again. So sorry. Thinking of you – E

  8. Baby Blues says:

    Oh Mands, I’d love to say something encouraging but I’m with you in that hole right now. I’m doubting IUI#3 made it for me, and I’m just half way through the wait. I’m scared too. We would have to take a loan or beg family to help us with IVF. And that would mean, really going out in the open. I was telling Mr. Kite, I’m not too proud to beg. If IVF will take us there, let’s do it. But hearing people undergoing several IVFs also disheartens me. It gets harder every time you take a step forward. I’m sad with you. Yes I’m infertile but the whole ART world doesn’t have to rub it in, right? ART should fix it right? Well I guess, like life, there’s just no guarantees. Sorry Mands. I’m here with you.

  9. Sticky Bun says:

    Mands, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time right now. As I read your post, I definitely know what you mean, though. We’re on our third IUI right now, too, and it’s finally sinking in to us that IUI might not work for us. It’s a really hard realization. Hang in there! We’re all thinking of you! And, I hope that when you start your meds for the IVF, you feel a renewed sense of hope and optimism…but even if it’s still as hard, we’ll be here to hope for you. 🙂

  10. ultimatejourney says:

    I’m sorry you’re struggling to come to terms with all this. I went through a similar experience when I found out about our MFI and the fact that we were heading (hopefully) for IVF. It does take time to adjust your expectations to a new reality. I’ll be thinking of you checking in to see how things are going.

  11. Debbie says:

    I know how you feel. Just reading the line “I feel so very empty” that you wrote I took a deep breathe because it’s exactly how I feel too.

    I don’t think I have every been so sad as I am right now.

    ((BIG HUGS))- extra big ones.

    We will get through this…..

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