Level 7 – I’ve Been Promoted.

I won’t beat around the bush here. This cycle has failed. Am I upset? Hell yes.

No matter how much I try to hide away from the sorrow I feel, it does not abate. It stays and causes such an ache in my chest. The only way to get rid of it is to let my feelings out. Let it all hang out there, like a load of dirty washing that won’t come clean, no matter how many times I wash it. And it feels like dirty washing, too. Something I am not proud of, that I want to stash away in a cupboard somewhere so no-one can see how much it’s affecting me. And yet the only way to actually feel better is to hang it up and watch it dry.

Let me say a sad goodbye to my “Stage 6 Baby Dust Status”. All you level Sevener’s out there, I expect a hearty welcome. Just in case you have forgotten what a Level 7 Infertile is, let me remind you:

Level Seven: The Veteran Infertile: (Courtesy of Princess Smartypants)

The VI has now been through numerous failed infertility treatments. She has long abandoned her perky on-line friends for other vets who are bitter and angry like herself. There is no baby dust there. In fact, if someone so much as mentions baby dust, they should be prepared to have it shoved so far up their ass it comes out their nose when they sneeze. The VI and her friends post on message boards and blog about the horrendous-ness that is infertility. For many VIs, this on-line misery-loves-company support is the only thing that keeps their heads above water. It connects them with someone who actually knows how they feel.
The VI has to sit on her hands to keep from smacking anyone who tells her to think positively because “I had a cousin who…” or because “I know just how you feel, it took us 3 months!” (though it has been noted that some don’t bother sitting on their hands…)
The Vet inserts her needles while simultaneously talking on the phone, eating dinner, and knitting a sweater.
Many people know about the infertility. You can’t miss that much work and not expect people to ask questions. The VI has by now given up many of the hobbies and activities she used to participate in because treatment takes up too much time, too much money, or just too much energy.
She avoids events and activities that she knows a pregnant woman or new mom will be attending. So, she avoids A LOT.
She begins to believe that she may never become pregnant.

****************************************************

So here I am. Almost 6 years and 3 IUI’s later, and nothing to show for it. I will most likely be taking a month or two’s break, after which I will start IVF. Thank you all for your unfaltering support. I will still be around, cheering all of you on. To all of you still in your 2ww, I bestow my last bit of *baby dust* on you, and pray for a positive outcome for all of you.

A note to my family: I know this is very upsetting for you, and difficult to make any sense of. I could sugar coat it and pretend I am okay, but I am not okay. It’s not the end though, it’s just the beginning of a whole other path of treatment. A path I never wanted to end up on, but then, we don’t always get what we want. I appreciate all of your love and support. It does not go unnoticed.

Playing on the radio at the moment is “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. This song is very descriptive of how I am feeling at the moment:

“If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world.
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old,
Show me a Garden
That’s bursting into life.”

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16 thoughts on “Level 7 – I’ve Been Promoted.

  1. Tam says:

    Oh mands, I am so so sorry my friend, I wish so hard that this was not the way it was. If there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know – even just a cup of coffee and a chat or a hug. I think that taking a break might be a good idea, you know, as long as you need – even if it is just a month – just to get your mind and body ready for this next level in your journey. Hugs sweetie, we understand.

  2. Bea says:

    I’m sorry. Hopefully you recharge during your break and IVF is just the ticket for you.

    Hug til then.

    Bea

  3. Baby Blues says:

    So sorry Mands. I don’t know what to say. Just know that I’m here thinking of you. I feel your hurts. But I just know that you’ll be OK because you’ve got the best support group ever… your hubby, your family and friends! I just know your day will come! It’s not the number of times we fall, but the times you get up again. Someday this will be all worth it.

  4. Patience says:

    Oh crap, I’m so sorry…

  5. Chanti says:

    HI MANDS,
    IT SUCKS…. TOTALLY SUCKS. I AM SO SORRY IT DIDN’T WORK. MUCH LOVE. TAKE A BREAK AND COME BACK WITH NEW RESOLVE AND DARE I SAY IT… NEW HOPE. AGAIN MUCH LOVE

  6. Samantha says:

    I’m sorry things didn’t work out out. It totally sucks. I hope you feel better.

  7. Sticky Bun says:

    I know there is probably nothing to say, other than, I am so sorry. We’re here for you, so know that you have a safe space to let it all out!

    thinking of you…

  8. serenity says:

    *hug* I am so sorry. May you refresh and renew on your break.

    We’re here for you whenever… for whatever you need.

    Love to you, Mands.

    xx

  9. Sarah says:

    i’m so sorry about your promotion. you asked for a hearty welcome but i just cannot give it, i wish you didn’t have to be here. i wish none of us had to be here. but you know you are in excellent company.

    i don’t want to sound like a jaded know it all vet, but i will say that in my own experience, just coming to terms with the promotion was the hardest part. IVF is no picnic, but the actual treatment process has been easier for me than just accepting it was in the beginning. i guess we’re all different, but that’s just my perspective.

    anyway, i hope you have a relaxing couple of months off and find peace and hope again soon.

  10. Nicole says:

    I am so very very sorry. You deserve much better.

  11. Hopeful Mother says:

    I’m so sorry. I wish it were otherwise.

  12. Bumble says:

    Oh Mands, I’m so sorry hun. I wish you never had to move to level 7. I do agree with Sarah though. The actual decision to move to IVF was harder than actually doing it. Coming to terms with the fact that this is what it may take for you to get your baby is a difficult transition. But once you make peace with it, I promise you, its the most liberating thing you would have done in a long time. Hugs to you my friend, and take Tam up on her cup of coffee, she is so lovely. hugs xxx

  13. Elizabeth says:

    My heart is breaking for you, Mands. Such sorrow.

  14. The Town Criers says:

    Sweetie–wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you today and sending good energy your way. I’m sorry, Mands.

  15. The Road Less Travelled says:

    Sending you great big ((hugs)). I’m so sorry. 😦

  16. Debbie says:

    I’m so sorry

    sniff sniff

    ((BIG HUGS))

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