Well that was an anti-climax. Went to my BFG (sweet as honey, as usual) for my CD 12 scan. One follicle looking as plump as a ripened peach. Plenty secondary follicles. Lining, dismal. At 12 days it should be at least 10mm, and it is sitting at a disappointing 7mm. Nothing is simple hey.
When I first start reading other people’s blogs, I would see a long history of treatment, with IUI on Clomid, IUI on injectables, IVF, FET, IFV with ICSI, and so on. Although I too was doing some form of treatment, I was only on a very light dose of Clomid. I always thought, “Shame, these poor women that have to go through all this other horrible stuff.” It was a very fishbowl mentality. Me standing on the outside of the fishbowl looking in at the sad looking fishies. Now I am beginning to realise that I am right in the fish bowl with everybody else. I am not special. Nothing sets me apart form other people going through IF treatment.
Now I am facing the reality that I may have to do a third IUI with injectables, as the lining may not support the implantation process this time around. Apparently in addition to side effects like turning me into a tazmanian devil, Clomid can also cause thinning of the uterine lining, which is not good for implantation. My BFG, being the big sweet goof that he is, tries to comfort me by saying, “I don’t like to scare you by telling you my concerns, but I feel you must know what’s going on… it doesn’t mean you won’t fall pregnant this time.”
The thing is that it’s becoming a lot more real to me, and far more daunting. It sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, and probably because I am. I know there are some of you thinking that I haven’t even touched the tip of the iceberg…. I haven’t – I don’t want to. I am not ineterested in scaling the summits of infertility. All I want is a BIG. FAT. POSITIVE. And a happily ever after. Is that too much to ask?