Well there’s a novel title for an IF blog post! (insert dry laughter here)

A family member (it always is) is pregnant again by accident (no surprises here)

How do I feel?  The same as ever (predictably).

What next?

It is with a huge amount of trepidation that I find myself here again.

To tell you the truth I don’t know what to say or where to start.  It was a lot easier not being here.  It felt normal and good.  Life went back to the way it should be except for the glaring fact that we are still childless. 

I can’t escape the harsh truth, can I?  No matter how far I try to run, or how much other “stuff” I crowd into my life, the fact remains. 

I’m okay you know.  Just a little hesitant.  I would rather forget all the hard stuff.  Problem is, that as long I persue the fantastical notion of having children, I am forced to remember.  I am compelled to come back here and address all my fears, worries, and pain. 

It’s just that I would really rather not.

This is the post I wrote last week Wednesday – was having trouble with my laptop so didn’t get to posting it:

The reason Harry and Sally have been so quiet is simply that they are no longer with us.  When they slipped away I cannot be sure, but I started bleeding today and got confirmation through a negative beta.  To tell you the truth I conned myself that this cycle had worked but I had none of the symptoms of my first “pregnancy” – I just put it down to each time being different.  In hind sight though, I think I knew.  It’s amazing what we will lead ourselves to believe in the name of hope.

I am truly sick and tired of this, and I don’t know that I could do it again.  To top all that, I have developed some kind of infection due to the immune suppression with IVIg and that is making me feel like death. 

In light of all this I’m sure you’ll forgive the flat nature of this post.  I am not at my best right now.  I am angry, frustrated, disappointed and upset.  What the hell is wrong with my body?  What is wrong with me?

Rest In Peace Harry and Sally, two of my many bubbles of hope that never came to be. 

As you may be able to tell, I was not happy writing this post.  I am feeling a little better now.  It’s time for a rest, to celebrate Christmas and put this year behind us.  Next year will bring it’s own set of challenges I am sure, but I am not getting into that now.  Now is a time for rest and reflection to revive the spirits and rekindle the faith that I will have a family someday.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.

It’s been quiet this side.  No sign of Harry or Sally.  And yes, I have been obsessing.  I have been doing the whole positive affirmation thing too, but in between that, mostly obsessing.

This morning I woke up to AF cramps which I was not happy about, and they subsequently went away.  My ute has been feeling a little crampy on and off the whole day though.  Nothing to start fireworks, but kind of a dull feeling.  I am wishing, nay, praying that it is not the dreaded she-who-shall-not-be-named.

I have a slight headache as well, and feeling a little “feverish” but that I will put down to a really loooooooong day at work.

I have been a little lazy with the water drinking, probably getting in about a litre or so.  That might also explain the headache.

Can’t I use that tazer machine thingy on Star Trek and beam myself into next week Thursday?  Do I have to live through next few days?  Surely not.  Surely NOT.

One more of my little bubbles stopped growing last night and this morning another was not looking good.

I arrived at the clinic 15 minutes late (you always wait about an hour anyway) and there was quite a commotion as nurses ran around looking for me.  When we finally found each other I was instructed to start drinking water as fast as possible and marched off to Dr V for an embryo update with a polystyrene cup in each hand.  (I still wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about)

When I got in there Dr. V said that he was really happy that I’d arrived because one of my embies had started hatching and needed a womb pronto!  Two of them survived and were doing outrageously well.  I rushed off downstairs and donned the sexy white nightgowns and blue smurf booties and was ordered to down another 3 glasses of water.

I rushed into the theatre and about ten minutes later I emerged with two babies-to-be safely tucked away.  As I was walking out the embryologist came up to me and told me what excellent embies I have and her final word was “One of them has to stick!”  I promised to let her know, and then rushed off to empty the tsunami building in my bladder.

I have decided to call them Harry and Sally – Hopefully one of them will emerge looking like Meg Ryan

And so we wait.

And OBAMA has won it!  You would think he was our new president the way people have reacted here!  We’re ecstatic.  Well done America.  You got what you deserve – a great new leader.  I thought McCain’s speech afterwards was very dignified and for the first time in the campaign I liked him and felt his sincerity.  (No offence intended to any Republicans reading here.)

And now for the REAL results -  I got the thaw call this morning.

FOUR of my babies are still with us!  I am over the moon!  Of course I felt very sad for the one that didn’t make it.  (I’m sure you all understand)  Even though they are mere cell clusters at this stage, they are my babies and that’s all there is to it.  I had a moment of reflection for my little embie that couldn’t, and then focused all my energies on the ones that did.  Please keep on sending the love their way…

I am so excited for tomorrow, and the two weeks following I am sure will feel like the night before Christmas – endless!

Blessings to all of you who have jumped right back on the bandwagon with me.  You are very special people.

You are strong and viable

My tiny bubbles of life

Healthy and dividing steadily

You’ve already won me over

Godspeed my little ones

You can do it and when you do

I’ll be right here

I love you so much already

Welcome to your life,

There’s no turning back

Even while we sleep

We will find you acting on your best behaviour

Turn your back on mother nature

Everybody wants to rule the world

There’s the room where the light won’t find you

Holding hands while the walls start tumbling down

When they do I’ll be right behind you

Everybody wants to rule the world

Not sure why but that song just came to mind.  I thought I would put it down for your reading pleasure.  Anyone remember this one?  (you’ll show your age!)  Anyone know the artist?  (You’ll really show your age!)

My FET cycle got off to a not-so-good start.  My uterine lining on day 14 was what it should have been on day 9.  All in all a long winded cycle that looked like it would dwindle into insignificance.  I was becoming annoyed and feeling highly justified in my decision to cease treatments after this FET.  On Saturday, however, I decided that an attitude adjustment was in order.  As I set out to the clinic in the cool morning, I said the following things to myself out loud in my car:

“I am a healthy fertile woman”

“There is nothing wrong with my body”

“I am perfectly capable of pregnancy and birth”

“My uterus is healthy and sparkly and ripe with thick luscious fertile lining”

“My embryos are healthy and will thaw with no problems at all”

I got to the clinic, and my lining had thickened by 3mm (overnight) and my dominant follicle was 18mm.  My E2 had gone up as needed.  Coincidence?

I was given the green light by my doc for the IVIg, which I went in for today, and it was really not that bad.  The drip stung a little and burned the whole time it was in, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  The nurses were great and very attentive, checking my BP and heart rate every 15 minutes to half an hour.  I was done by 2:30, which is a pretty long day.

Tomorrow they are thawing my precious babies and I will have an update on Wednesday.  I am so excited – I can hardly wait.  Please send lots of healthy thawing thoughts their way and some of that mother love that we all possess and would love to unleash on our own beautiful offspring.  (For now just channel it to my embie-babies pleeeeez)  Many thanks   They are in a frosty slumber in the lab in Rivonia, Sandton, Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa, Africa, Earth – for all the aliens out there sending good vibes

Much love to all of you out there in the blogosphere no matter where you are in your journey I wish you well and pray for a happy outcome for you.

xx