Archive for February, 2008

The IF Tide

{ February 26, 2008 @ 10:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I am picking up a pattern in the BFP’s and the BFN’s.  There is a definite cycle, and I ended up in the BFN wave in my hurry to get to IVF 2.  Silly me.

In all the blogs I read, and all the forums I stalk, there has been mostly bad news.  So I am going to play this thing like the stock-market.  As soon as I notice a change in the trend, I will be jumping onto the BFP bandwagon and riding that wave instead. I look forward to some surprising results. 

Having said that, I have put the Hoff onto a plethora of vitamins and minerals, and have done the same for myself – I am already bracing for the Statistical Bullet (as another If’ers blog is so aptly named).  I am gearing up for more acu and maybe some hypnotherapy, and a touch of yoga.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, no? Failing all of that, and my eventual FET, I will adopt.  Black, white, pink, green, whatever as long as it is human. 

You may have guessed that I am in a bit of a funk at the mo.  I am not sleeping at night, and I battle to get out of bed in the morning (probably due to the aforementioned).  I have no energy, and also feeling a tad manic.  Like, now I am fine.  Just now, however, is a whole other bag of chips. I can’t face my neighbours and their newborn.  I can’t face pregnant people who complain about being pregnant (I know I know, it’s not all roses and peonies…) and those who take their pregnancies for granted*. 

I am sorry to be such a drain, I just needed to get it out there.  I do feel a little better for it.  Just a little.

*this excludes previously infertile pregnant women – you may complain to your hearts content, and I am all ears.

A day in the life.

{ February 21, 2008 @ 9:18 pm } · { The Aftermath }
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I awake to the gentle prodding of the Hoff and his sleepy “Mands, there’s coffee.”  I pretend not to hear him and drift off again.

5 minutes or so later I force myself awake and grope around for the coffee, slug it down, and then go back to sleep.  I know I have to get up soon, but the thought of it makes me more tired. Another day. 

No sleepy heads pitter-pattering into my room at six and clambering into bed with me.  No cries of “Mommy mommy, I want chocolate milk!”  or  “Wake up mommy. WAKE UP!!!”  Just me and the Hoff and another damn day.

I drag myself out of bed, and stumble into the shower.  Then frantically rush around to try and leave the house clothed and respectable by 7:30 at least.  I drum my fingers on the steering wheel, past the posh private school in our area, past the swanky out of town hotel, past the squatter camp where children that look like toddlers are walking to school by themselves.  Women in the field across the road are tying bundles of dry grass together, and taxi’s come speeding past me in the yellow dust, kwaito music blaring and arms waving out of the windows as they pass on the wrong side of the road.

I arrive at work, and sit in my parked car for a minute or two.  Or just until the song has finished.  I gather my belongings and go into work.  Put on a smile, cheerfully greet my colleagues, and settle down in front of my PC.  I sit and watch quietly as the e-mails trickle in.  As I read them I feel overwhelmed with all the feelings of the past few weeks.  I don’t respond well to kindness.  I go to pieces.  And that’s what happens when I open my mailbox, and all I get is kindness.  And love.  And Compassion.  From all of you.

Thank you. So very much.

All dried up, all cried out.

{ February 18, 2008 @ 11:57 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I am sorry for my brief leave of absence.  I am struggling to come to terms with the cycle, for a number of reasons.

1. I keep getting told that there is no real problem, and that all the known problems have been fixed.

2. It wasn’t supposed to fail.  I should be pregnant now.

3. We have run out of money.  One of the resources we were relying on to pay for IVF 2 has “fallen through”, so we haven’t even paid for that one yet – no idea dow we are going to fund the FET. Or the extra blood tests that the doc has recommended, amounting to more than R12 000.

4. The Hoff is tired and frustrated and wants to stop treatment.  I would shrivel up and die.  But with no more money, we don’t really have a lot of options right now.

So I have been processing all of this, and crying a lot, and avoiding you, and the rest of the world as well. It’s easier sometimes.  Trying to come up with a solution, but money is a big factor for those of us who don’t have the support of our medical insurance.  I am not ready to give up on my own body’s ability to bear children.  Not yet.  I have started looking into adoption though. Just in case.

BFN

{ February 11, 2008 @ 12:42 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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No ifs, buts, or maybes.

12dp3dt

{ February 9, 2008 @ 6:16 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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And I am ready to POAS… Still no symptoms of any sort, and I am starting to wonder what the hell in going on in there?  I have been very patient and positive, but this is ridiculous! 

Have my embryo’s fallen asleep?  Are they still there?  Are they playing a mean trick on mommy?  Not nice, embryo’s.  Not nice at all.  (Did I mention that I might be losing it?)

So I might POAS tomorrow morning.  Just to put myself out of my misery, or throw myself deeper into it – either way…

Right now I am a duck.  On the surface of the water I am calm and happy and coping, but below the surface I am paddling furiously in order not to sink and drown.

Anyone else with a TRUE story about no symptom pregnancies, I am all ears.

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